“Are you okay?”
“Eat something.”
“Did you eat today?”
“Take care of yourself!”
“Self care!”
“Put your own mask on before helping others.”
The list goes on and on of the things we as women are told we need to be doing.
I cannot take care of me, when I’m also taking care of all of you.
On top of making sure we have money, bills are paid, food in our house, happy, healthy kids, laundry, cooking, school activities, etc.
That list also goes on and on.
But we are told constantly to take care of us….
Ok you expect me to take care of everything plus me… who is taking care of me?
Who is helping me?
Who’s making sure I’M the priority?
Oh, I’m supposed to also do that part myself?
Ok. Noted.
Survive.
Pull yourself up.
Get back on the horse.
Self care!
Reality;
Tries to take shower, kids crying for you.
Kids need to eat.
Spouse has to poop.
Where did you put the can opener?
What should I make them for dinner?
Do we have the ingredients for that?
Shoot.
Gotta go to the store.
Knock, knock.
Oh shoot, what do they need this time?
Ok “crisis” averted;
Back to the shower.
Wash the hair.
Wash the face.
Oh, remember to add milk to the list!
Remember you need eggs! Shoot do we have cheese for tonight’s dinner?
How much is in my account? Can I cover the cheese?
Or do I need to pick something cheaper.
What do we have?
Oh!! I have to send those checks for the milk for school!
Ok, focus, shower.
Self care.
Wash body.
LIBRARY BOOKS are OVERDUE! How much am I being charged? How many days over due?!
Lunches! Do they need packed lunches this week?
Remember to check.
Are enough pjs clean for the next 2 nights?
Survive.
Focus on the important tasks.
Prioritize.
Oh crap, did I pick up some more coffee for him for the morning?
Add to mental list.
Oh. Waters getting cold now.
Shave quickly as a Hail Mary self care moment.
Just so you can say that’s done.
Checks removing all hair from body off list.
Cool. K. Rinse time.
When I get out, I need to start this load of laundry, I need to go work.
Oh taxes!
Cell phone bill is due!
How much do I have.
Oh, just short.
Ok, get out, get dressed, get the girls settled then go work a bit to cover that bill.
Just survive.
Just make it through today.
Remember to brush your teeth too!
Knock, knock.
Almost done.
Turns off shower, gets out.
Grab towel, throw it on, brush teeth quick!
Take a deep breath. That’s your self care.
Oxygen.
Prepare for everything everyone outside this door needs from you.
One last deep breath.
Ok. I’m ready.
Opens door.
“Mom! I need this!”
“Mom! She said I’m mean!”
“Mom! She touched me!”
“Mom, can I have a snack?”
“Oh, can I take a play bath?”
“Let’s play dress to impress!”
“Let’s turn off all the lights and run around playing a tag game (so fun) with gems.”
“You be the monster!”
“Or pretend to be the kid.”
“Pretend I’m the mom!”
Deeeeep breaths.
“My love, I just stepped out of the shower.
Can I at least get underwear on first?”
Prioritize the never-ending list in your head.
“Yes, you can have a snack, can you just play that game with your sister?”
I have so many things to do and I need to work.
“I’ll play later.”
“What do you want for dinner?”
“Stop fighting with your sister.”
“Be kind please.”
“Show love or tell her you need space.”
“Go take a moment in your room if you need to.”
“Do not take out your own emotions on her.”
“Now can I get dressed?”
Puts on clothes.
Deeeep breaths.
So. Much. To. Do.
So. Many. Needs.
Ok, I’m dressed.
“You got a snack? Awesome baby girl! Way to go! Proud of you for doing it yourself! High five!”
Reassurance.
Affirmations.
Positive reinforcement.
Teaching independence.
Other kid good?
Oh yeah, she’s napping from a long day at school.
Good.
Rest my love.
Ok, fooooocus.
Cheese. Do we have cheese? How much is in my account?
Ok no cheese.
I have enough to cover it. Sweet.
Should I blow dry my hair or just throw on a hat?
What’s the temp?
Brrrrr! Bundle time.
Crap! Are my only pants that fit me even CLEAN?
Nope. Ahhhhh.
Throw those in the wash.
Ok. Hair. No wait. Write down to get coffee!
Oh, are the school books due too?
Remember to pack those tonight!
Water bottles. Clean? Yay!
Lunches, I’ll deal with that later.
Deep breaths.
Oh, I wanted to work on this idea I have!
Maybe tomorrow.
Too busy.
Hair? Dry it?
How much time do I have?
K. None.
Hat.
Hey y’all good with this idea for dinner?
Cool.
I’ll get the cheese while out.
Oh, right and milk. Bah! And coffee!
K. I’ll go try to work then grab that stuff if I make enough and be back by 7:30.
Baths tonight.
Are pjs clean?
No! Crap!!!
My pants are in the wash! Those will wait.
Check on Tiny, sleeping. Phew.
How the princess?
Snack and Roblox!
Good!
Ok, I’m gonna go finish getting ready.
Gets ready, spouse walks in door.
Yay!!! Let me kiss that face all over!
MWAH!
Ok tell him you are getting coffee and milk.
Oh, Tiny’s up.
Snack?
Of course!
Fresh fruits? Yes ma’am!
Gets fruit, rinses.
“Oh! Babe! This is my plan of action this evening…. Lays out plan.”
Ok. That’s done. He’s on the same page.
Communication.
Delegate.
Oh, the Princess heard he’s home. She’s coming in for the hug. Awwww. I love their bond.
Go play dress to impress with her, I got the fruit.
Gets fruit prepped. Here ya go Tiny, I love you!
Ok.
Where am I, what is happening?
What was my next task?
Ugh. Wasting time!!
Pull out phone to check temp.
Doom scroll.
Crap! I need to go work!
Where are my shoes?
These socks will have to do.
Yeah, those are so different in texture, your SPD is going to be SCREAMING but it’s all that I can find that’s clean.
Sad Panda.
Gah, I loathe wearing socks.
Peace. Love. Bare Feet.
This is actually a decal I made for my van years ago.
You an take the southern girl out of the south, but you can’t the southern out of the girl.
That’s how I roll.
But alas, you live in the arctic. 🥶
You chose this life.
You wanted to stay!
Deal! Bundle and deal!
Ok ready to go. Give all the hugs and kisses.
Grab cheese immediately for dinner then come back to drop off. Then turn mom brain off. They are safe and taken care of and loved beyond measure.
Bye everyone, have a good evening!
Oh! Keys!
Where’s my wallet? Ah. Which jacket was I last wearing?
Tick, Tick, TICK.
The clock is just ticking away. So much time wasted! So much lost money opportunities.
BRAIN! FOCUS!!!!!
WALLET!
Phew found it.
Ok… Phone. Phone. Phone. Where is my phone?!
Rips clean house apart.
Ok it’s still in the shower from the tiny moment of ‘self care’ you tried to take and listen to your music.
Goes to grab phone.
Gotta pee again.
Peel off layers.
Pee.
Wash hands. Layer back up. Oh, I need to refill my meds! I’m out! Don’t forget!
Ok time to go.
Bye guys! Love you! Teamwork makes the?!
DREAM-WORK!
Yas! Kisses. K bye for real!
Walks out door to car.
Where is my phone?!
That is what it’s like to exist in my brain on the daily.
Self care?!!! Yeah right.
Take care of me?!
Eat?!
Do you see the list I had and the struggle to get a few things crossed off.
You think I’m squeezing self care in there?!
No.
Even the most basic thing like medication is on the back burner.
“Survive. Survive. I don’t know the last time I felt truly alive.” -Kyle Hume
That’s how women end up on literal deaths door trying to POUND it down with her tiny fist.
Her physical being is betraying her and although she can FEEL it, she can’t do anything about it. Too many other people need her immediate attention.
Get them stable then you can focus on you.
BAM, very likely on the verge of heart failure right now.
You, ok?
I don’t know.
Yes? No?
Imma say yes so I can move along with my day. Too many tasks.
Can’t even stand up straight. Weird. Oh well. 95lbs?! Geez.
I must be doing more physical work?
I’ll try to take it easier.
Sleep?! Bahaha. What’s that. I’ve been up for 20 hours straight.
I got 4 interrupted hours of sleep last night.
My brain won’t shut off.
WHILE WORKING;
Geez my heart is beating SO fast.
The bitter cold is gonna kill me!
Go away wind! Too. Cold.
Always. Cold.
Wait is that blood? Is it dripping down my legs?! Get to the car as fast as possible. Don’t fall. Ugh. You still have 2 more bags to carry up. I wish that man would just grab them for me.
I’m so cold.
This driveway is so long.
Out of breath.
Made it halfway up.
Finally, he’s gonna take the bags.
Can’t breathe.
Make it to car.
Don’t pass out here. Don’t do it.
Heart rate slow down!
Get in car.
Deeep breaths.
Self care? Ha.
Mmmmm. I’m not ok.
Yeah, I’m off.
I’m sweating so much but I’m so cold.
My stomach feels concave!
How am I only 95lbs?!!!
Gah. I’m eating; enough.
Take a few days to relax.
Focus on your dreams for a second.
Writing.
Oh, this feels right. This makes sense.
This is my next career path.
But this is also MY form of self-care.
This is my escape.
I need this in my life in some fashion.
I almost died due to excessive blood loss from my menstrual cycle.
My hemoglobin got so low I needed a blood transfusion.
That is how low I got.
That is how little care I took of myself.
But do you see why?
All the things weigh on my heart, my head, my body.
Throw in the outside world. All that is happening out there. YOU CAN’T TAKE ON THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD!
I want to be in my happy bubble.
I don't have time to self care.
What even is self care?
A SHOWER?! Yes, if I'm in severe depression and that is all I can do that day. Then YES.
But in general.
As a typical form of self-care.
No.
It's a shower. That is one of those basic, essentials for hygiene.
A shower does not fill my cup, especially when there are million things to do.
A bath? Yes, if it is quiet and relaxing and dark.
Eating also does not fill my cup. It fills my belly and is essential for survival but that's it for me.
But basic fundamental things to exist as a human being are not forms of self-care.
Period.
But as women we are told that is what our form of self care should look like.
Squeeze in a shower or brush your teeth before you tackle the day with all the humans who are starting at you in anticipation for what's next.
This isn't to say, ALL women do not view a shower as self-care.
Some for sure do!
But the point is, we can't get our truest form of self-care that works for us, if we don't have anyone in the back of house to pick up what we can't carry anymore or even lighten the load by taking half themselves.
We also, would like for our partners, our village, our support to not only help when asked, but to not even need to be asked.
Please, do not distract me from my task to ask what you can do to help.
Thank you, but honestly, you figure it out.
Or.
And this is where things come into focus in my relationship.
I need my partner to notice when things are getting a little wonky and I'm getting overwhelmed. I need for them to assess what needs to be done themselves before even asking me.
Maybe find a task you can do and just start doing it.
Or figure out the task, stop your spouse from her spiraling thoughts, make her take a deep breath to center and focus on you.
Then tell you what task you will complete.
"Hey, I see you have this under control, I'm gonna go tackle this task."
Or if you cannot see what needs to be done or how you can be of help,
Again, stop her, break her concentration just enough to make her focus on you. More deep breaths.
Then ask her if there is a task, she needs your help with at this moment.
I guarantee you will be getting a much kinder, warmer, softer response and you probably will even be assigned a helpful task!
That is a part of building your partner up so they feel confident and comfortable saying they need a minute to ground or take a breath and get away from the noise, the chaos.
There's always chaos.
So they are able to get away and actually do what they feel will fill their cup.
To fulfill their own self-care in the way that will actually benefit them.
For me, it's writing.
I have now attached a note to the door anytime I'm in the zone (AutoZone!) so my golden retriever husband doesn't come in and accidentally distract me simply because he loves being near me.
The way that man will just bound through a door like a legit puppy that just saw their owner walk through the door is THE most endearing thing about him.
But sometimes we have to say, I love you, but leave me alone.
I need time to myself and this is how I need to take it so I feel my cup is full so I can fill your cup and the kids cups and the worlds cups.
Give us space, freedom and autonomy to be able to figure out our own Self-Care path.
Offer, don't assume.
Ask specific questions instead of "are you okay?”
Be patient and give us time please.
This brain is at capacity.
Now I’m speaking directly to you reader. Whoever you are. If there is someone reading this;
If you are, I LURV YOU.
Take care of you in whatever form that is.
And I'm not talking about just the fundamental, essentials.
I mean, fill your cup doing your hobbies, reading, taking a bath or even shower if it's going to actually fulfill you and your brain.
Do not deplete yourself to the point of no return.
Speak up and out with your partner about your needs and how they can fit into the equation.
You are loved;
You are important.
You are valid.
You deserve to be here, to take up space and to exist, happily, in your own way, in this world.
You are allowed to demand respect, expect help when you desperately need it and to have autonomy over your own medical decisions and health. But more on that another time.
-The Messy Hippie 🌈✌🏻