Welcome to a safe place.

The Messy Hippie.

Hi! I'm Ashley Ylvisaker, the messy hippie. Nice to meet you! I would like to start this off with my sincerest gratitude to you for being here. Whatever it is that brought you here, thank you for coming into my tiny space of the internet where you can be your most authentic self.

You are doing an incredible job, even if you feel you are just surviving right now. Simply making it through every day as a human being on planet earth is exhausting and should be something that is celebrated. You did it. You made it and YOU matter here.

Affirmations are so important to me. I started them with my now 8.5-year-old daughter (she'll be 9 in August! HOW!) before she was 2. Pretty much from the moment that kid said her first word, I made SURE the rest of the first few words she knew were ones that provided her with confidence, value and self love.

"I am beautiful."

"I am smart."

"I am kind."

"I am brave."

"I am strong."

"I am silly."

Those were the affirmations I started teaching my toddler from the moment she could speak.

That was also the order in which I would have her recite them, which looking back now on, I do have one regret with this.

That I STARTED the affirmations with her physical value.

She was a toddler, so I give myself grace, besides, she was, in my completely unbiased opinion, THE most beautiful child I had ever laid my eyes on so my mind always was in awe of her beauty.

I know I shouldn't let any single regret take away from what I provided to my toddler during the beginning of her most formative years but it's so easy to let doubt slip in to places it has no right to be.

So, get out of here negativity! I did a good thing! I'm a great mom!

I actually have a little video of her trying to watch a Halloween episode of Blippi. It was her favorite one. The moment the song came on with the Dracula character, she would be entranced. There was no breaking that concentration.

Alas, her mom tried and I'd give myself a solid B for the effort put in vs the quality. Lol.

So, there this 2-year-old is, with her giant head, filled with the most summer sun kissed golden blonde hair, entranced fully in the song. Fingers moving to the beat, a little "tick, tick, tick" can be heard from her adorable chubby cheeked face. When suddenly her mom decides to whip out the camera to record some of her affirmations, while sitting on the floor cross legged, with her infant sister in her lap. There was much "focus on mommy, say it with me "I am smart, no SMART. I am smart... focus... I am kind. I am brave.""

Why I decided that was the perfect moment to capture the magic that are affirmations, is beyond me.

Even all these years later. Lol. Let’s just call it sleep deprived mom brain shall we. He-he.

That video is one of my most cherished.

Side tangent incoming: Ya know, today is actually Valentine’s day and my 8.5-year-old, we will call her, Hippie Princess, has her first "boyfriend". That kid planned out, then picked the perfect gifts for her while his mom allowed him total control over his gift choices and drove him to her dad’s house to let him give her the valentine's stuff and ask if she would be his valentine. Baby Daddy (don’t worry, he’s my bestie now, this is just for privacy reasons to not reveal anyone’s identity) sent me a video.

My heart was exploding with pure joy and pride as she nervously, graciously and somehow confidently, accepted his gifts as well say yes to being his Valentine. When I was able to FaceTime with her, she was so giddy and proud to show off her sweet surprises. More exploding of my heart inside of my chest.

We highly approve of the first boy to enter Hippie Princess’s heart.

His mom is doing the most incredible job raising the kindest young man.

All the kudos to you mama. (I did personally reach out to her already)

Back to the topic at hand.

I was able to look back on the video I referenced earlier about affirmations with Hippie Princess and could look at it from fresh eyes, with a fresh perspective.

I gave her space to keep watching and singing her video while trying to also squeeze in a few affirmations. The balance was good in my opinion. I'd probably even bump my own grade up to a solid A for effort while still allowing her to concentrate on what SHE was wanting to focus on.

Then you hear baby Tiny Hippie sneeze.

My precious. (that one is for you Shermbot)

I started on affirmations with Tiny Hippie before she was even able to comprehend what I was saying. I needed to make sure I instilled confidence in her from the moment she was born. Her entrance into this crazy world was one that left me with major PTSD, her needing to be revived and a 9 day stay in the NICU. That story will be for another time. Buckle up, it's a doozy.

Hers were much of the same:

"You are beautiful."

"You are smart."

"You are goofy."

"You are kind."

"You are important."

"You. are. loved."

Always ending Tiny Hippies with "you are loved" felt very important to me for some reason.

I can look back and wonder if it was me projecting a bit because I never felt true, unconditional love. From anyone until I had my children. The second they were born I understood unconditional love.

I had it for my children and they have it for me.

But I also think I needed to include that in hers because it took me longer to fully fall in love with Tiny Hippie than with Hippie Princess. I know it was because of her birth and everything that was surrounding that. I wasn't able to fully connect with her until one specific moment I actually have a photo of.

It was one night when she was being extra fussy and I was sitting in her glider rocking her, trying to calm her little body to help her sleep.

I was personally so sleep deprived I was just going through the motions until one single moment. I don't know what prompted it. I don't what happened, but something clicked and I suddenly fell so deeply in love with this tiny human I was holding I had to grab my phone to capture the moment for memories. I actually printed it, and it has existed on my refrigerator in 3 homes now.

That deep, unconditional love I developed that day has not waned even once. In fact, it's grown stronger over the years. That kid is my best friend.

Yes, a 6-year-old is my bestie.

We just get each other on a level no one else does. I understand her brain and how it works. I understand her emotions, her quite obvious struggles with ADHD and her intense need for the racing thoughts to stop so she can sleep.

I get all of that because I experience them all as well.

Now, I'd like to caveat this by saying, I have just as special and unique of a bond with Hippie Princess. It's equally as important and although I personally struggle more with understanding her brain, it just makes me fight harder to really relate, empathize and understand where she is coming from on things. BUT that does not negate my unconditional love and admiration for her. She is my heart.

I love them equally, but I have different relationships with each and that is valid, beautiful and acceptable.

Now, I'm speaking to you, the reader. If this portion resonated with you, tell yourself the same things.

Each relationship with each child of yours is unique, special, important, valuable and different from the rest but it does not mean you love or prefer or even favor one child over the other.

I've been told I favor Tiny Hippie but it's simply not true.

From an outsider’s perspective I can sort of see why someone would say that, but I don't.

She needs more from me than Hippie Princess does and that is just a fact.

She needs someone that gets her on the level I do.

Hippie Princess has so many other people, including 2 other parents, her dads, (I hope this makes Shermbot and Baby Daddy giggle if they are reading this) that get her brain in a way I cannot.

I also understand Tiny Hippie’s brain in a way they cannot.

It's a delicate balance and I try not to let outside assumptions cloud my own thoughts, however, I do listen, take in the information and analyze if I need to change anything to ensure Hippie Princess isn't perceiving things that way (Including speaking to her personally about it) but I actively work at not letting it infiltrate my thoughts and how I parent.

Moving on.

Speaking of Valentine's Day, on the topic of affirmations. I remember finding a post about cutting out hearts on paper and writing down one thing you loved about your child every day on a separate heart from Feb 1st-14th. I did that when Hippie Princess was an infant. I remember sticking the hearts to her bedroom door and each morning I would pull one off and read it to her. She had no clue what I was saying or why I was doing that but I did it anyway and I'm so grateful I have those memories. I did try to keep it up after I had Tiny Hippie by doing both doors but I often would forget then it fizzled out. But it was truly a great idea I’m so happy I found in that time in my life.

Thank you to whoever it was that helped it end up on my screen during that phase in my life. You helped me in ways you’ll never know.

Looking back though, it was obviously not for her, since she didn't understand, it was more for me, but it is what I needed in that moment to survive. To survive the endless days as a stay-at-home mom to a man in the military with a baby who seemed to just wish she'd never been born. Everything was a struggle in those days so having that moment of reading to my baby the things I loved about her, helped switch my perspective into, *This is hard. Really hard. But I'm determined to make sure we not only survive but eventually thrive. * And it started with affirmations.

Now here we are.

I'm 39.

My incredible daughters are 8.5 and almost 7 years old.

We've been through 5 moves so far in their short lives, with one more coming up soon, hopefully the last until they are on their own. The first move was actually out of state from North Carolina to Wisconsin. (That is approximately 18 hours, 1,100 miles, 6 states and a whole time zone away)

They were almost 3 and 1 year old.

We were adjusting to the bitter cold of the Midwest from the, need to change your clothes 3 times a day,  humidity that is North Carolina (at least where we lived) to falling in love with our new home state, potty training, learning to walk and talk (for Tiny Hippie), both kids experiencing 4k, which is something I never got to experience, and being able to thrive in small town Midwest schools with only one classroom per grade (total of about 70 students in the whole school). They've made lifelong friends they've known since they were 4 years old and are thriving.

But they've also been through struggles such as us being so far from anyone we knew and loved. Their dad having to be gone a lot for work. A severely depressed (on the verge of suicidal) stay at home mom who was struggling with her own identity, alcohol use, her weight and her crumbling marriage.

They walked through the hardest time of their young lives, which was their parents getting a divorce (more on all that at a later date. Don't worry, I'll be spilling all the tea over time.) splitting time between homes, having their dad take on the primary care giver role and again a mom, who was struggling with not only her own mental health, divorce, new job, being on her own for the first time, finances, a job that didn't pay enough and the real kicker that led me down the darkest path of my life, the most toxic relationship I've ever been in.

I am out now.

They are out of that now.

We are safe.

We are happy.

We are healthy.

We are thriving.

I am sober.

I am at a weight I feel the most comfortable in.

I have a job I love most days because I'm in control of it.

I have a beautiful home; we are renting that is filled with all the tchotchkes and love you could ever imagine.

I have the most incredible partner who is perfect for me in every way and someone who actively works hard, on the daily for our family, our marriage and our future.

I am starting on, what I believe is my true purpose and passion in life, which is writing.

I am actively working towards making this my career to support my family while also ensuring I am leaving this world a better place than it is now and if I can make just one person, one woman, one mothers life better in any way possible, my life goal will be complete.

I am thriving in my life now because of my children but also because I poured into them from a very young age, which has led to them pouring into me in a way I never knew I needed and is pushing me to chase my dreams.

So, to put a pretty bow on the end of my first ever blog post, I'll end it with my intentions for this space.

1. I intend for this blog, this space, my writing to uplift, inspire, motivate and affirm other women, especially mothers, into fulfilling all of their dreams, goals, and passions.

2. I intend for my writing to reach an audience of women who may be in a similar situation I was in just 2 years ago. Lost. Lonely. Confused. Hurting and questioning every decision in my life.

3. I intend to show them and even help them find a path that will leave them feeling nothing but joy, gratitude, value and fulfillment in whatever form that may be for them. If that means, leaving an unhappy, unhealthy marriage or taking time to pursue their passion projects, their dreams or even just simply surviving the current season, they are in, only to see the light at the end of the tunnel to keep pushing forward for not only themselves but their children.

I hope my post has resonated in a way that you feel seen, validated, heard, understood and excited for the future.

If you were left feeling inspired in anyway, I want to personally say thank you for reading and I hope you continue to enjoy my content. Also, never be afraid to reach out to me personally on my social media for any advice, affirmation or encouragement. My mind, heart, ears and inbox are always open to you.

If you feel you are needing immediate help with your own thoughts, or physical safety please reach out to a hotline via call, text or chat using 988.

Help is available 24/7 with languages English and Spanish available.

Remember to take care of you, fill your own cup so you can fill everyone else’s, especially your children’s. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

You are loved and valuable.

- The Messy Hippie.