Co Parenting is hard y’all.

Trigger Warning; This blog does mention self harm. Please take care of your mental health and proceed with caution if you choose to continue. 🤍

How do you stop needing or caring about validation from someone?

I have no idea.

I wish I did.

I embarrassingly still need reassurance I'm doing a good job as a mom from specific people in my life.

I don't know why. I got a "You are a good mom." ONCE from the person I needed to hear it from the most, that I can remember since I've been a mom

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I was sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing uncontrollably because I was so overstimulated by my children.

I couldn't handle the noise, the constant needing me, the messes and just in general, I hated myself.

I wanted to run away so badly.

The only thing that got me up off the floor that day was him texting me back after telling him what was going on, "you are a good mom."

I even told him that's what I needed to hear and thank you.

He was flabbergasted.

My love language is words of affirmation.

In those early days as a mom, trying my best to do everything perfectly, researching like a crazy person, getting no sleep, stressing beyond belief, calling nurses because my kids’ poop was black and I had forgotten she had eaten a TON of blueberries.

I was trying to be THE best mom and I NEEDED the affirmation I was doing a good job.

I researched the best cloth diapers.

The best bottles.

The best breast pumps.

The best car seat.

How to PROPERLY do Baby Led Weaning.

I never had a bucket seat; I wore my kids everywhere in a wrap or a Tula.

I researched breast feeding.

I tried my hardest to do it.

I researched the best IBCLC (International Board-Certified Lactation Consultant) in town.

Hired her.

Had her come help me try to breast feed.

Found a dentist that did lip and tongue ties revision with laser to see if that helped (it didn't).

I would scream in pain the second Hippie Princess would latch.

But I kept trying.

I had no clue what I was doing but I was trying.

I finally had to give up breast feeding (I'll do a whole blog on this journey soon) and exclusively pumped for 4 months. I had a nice stash going to where I was able to give her breast milk exclusively for another month after I stopped pumping.

Looking back, I am SO proud of myself but also, SO sad for that new mom.

I did everything in my power to make sure I was doing EVERYTHING correctly.

I wanted to be the best mom.

I wanted to prove to everyone I was a good mom.

But I was always left feeling like the worst honestly.

^I'm going to caveat this with, those are not meant to make me seem like a great mom because I did any of them, for me, it was that I actually was trying to make sure I was doing what was best for my daughter, in the ways that made sense for our family. This is not to shame any other mother for their choice in ANYTHING parenting, as long as their child is safe and loved. ^

I was severely depressed.

I had zero help from anyone outside of my kids’ father when he was able. (military)

I had a prescription for an anti depressant in my hands after I gave birth to Tiny Hippie...

I asked my spouse how he felt, what his thoughts were on me taking them, etc.

He said he didn't like the idea.

So, I had that bottle of pills in my hand sitting at my dining room table back in 2018...

I decided to not take them.

But omg, I needed those desperately.

I wish I could back in time and open that bottle and force one of the pills down my own throat!

Instead, I put them away to expire and eventually need to be disposed of.

It wasn't until 2020 when I had a bit of a breakdown and wanted to cut myself for the first time since I was 18 years old. I was in my 30's, a wife and mom! I can't be thinking like that!

I remember standing in my bathroom holding the razor ready to tear it apart and trying to figure out where I could cut on my body so my spouse wouldn't see.

I knew in that moment I needed help.

I calmy but also hysterically somehow, put the razor down and walked into the living room where my spouse was sitting.

I took a deep breath and explained to him as calmly as I could what just happened, where my mindset was and that I was scared.

I needed help.

I told him I was making an appointment to see someone about depression and anxiety.

He said OK.

I then booked a hotel in a town an hour away for the weekend for just me.

I left the next day after he got off work.

I slept the entire time.

I was in such a dark headspace even being with myself was too much.

I hated everything and everyone.

I had the appointment on that Monday.

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which I already knew I had because I've had it since I was a kid... I would have severe panic attacks where I was fully convinced, I was dying. I saw a therapist and then wasn't allowed caffeine again until I was old enough to choose for myself.

So, like 16?

No soda, unless it was Sprite or Root Beer.

I couldn't even drink my favorite sweet tea!

Sad Panda.

But this time they finally gave me the magic pill!

And I rushed home to take it immediately!

Night and FREAKING DAY!

I'm so angry I waited so long.

But that's not the point of this blog.

I can't let myself get too distracted here.

Focus.

Back to 2016, I was trying desperately to prove I was a great mom to my spouse at the time while my daughter was going through her 4-month-old sleep regression which led me AGAIN to the interwebs, seeking help.

I found a course I bought for $40 called the Sleep Sense Program.

O-M-G. I cannot recommend her program enough!! I used it with both kids.

It saved my sanity!

Hippie Princess was sleeping fully through the night within a week and naps finally were where I needed them to be within 2-3 weeks.

Oh, that's another thing I researched at nauseum... sleep schedules. Nap schedules. I always made sure I had a schedule, depending on their age, it would be so many hours of awake time then nap, awake time, nap, etc. (I will actually be making a page dedicated to the sleep schedules I used with my kiddos in case other moms are in need of some guidance in that area... stay tuned!)

I finally had it down to a well-oiled machine. I was so proud of myself.

I had naysayers telling me “Ugh. Stop being so strict! Just let her stay up late one night!"

No.

Are you going to be here all night trying to get an overly tired infant to sleep?

No? Then stop.

It's my kid.

This is how I'm parenting.

Back. Off.

Also, yes, trying to give a 4 month old a lollipop after her mother already straight up told you, NO, makes you a… not so good person.

Now, during that time she couldn't keep a pacifier in her mouth so she would cry every time it fell out. I finally had to just stop giving her one because it was every 5 minutes and I was not well mentally. She was already starting to suck her thumb at that point but once I said OK, I can't do the Paci game anymore, the habit intensified.

I did the same with Tiny Hippie...

She also found her thumb.

Now, to me, it's no biggie.

It's their comfort.

I had a lot on my plate, trying to stop a 1-year-old from sucking her thumb was not even on my list, let alone a priority.

Now, once she was 3/4, I was mentally in a bit of a better place and she was starting 4K so I wanted to start weaning her from her thumb.

Of course, in typical me fashion, I researched like crazy.

I found this arm brace that makes it harder for them to get their thumb in their mouths.

I bought it.

I showed my spouse how to use it, when to use it, etc.

I tried to get him on board...

He wasn't.

Or if he was, he wasn't on board with actually implementing it.

It was on my shoulders.

Spoiler alert, it stopped getting used all together and never brought up again.

Now, when I left in 2023, I knew the kids were going to be staying with him primarily because the house was too expensive and too much for me to maintain and we wanted them to stay put. I wanted very little to change for them.

I also was mentally not in a place to be their primary care giver.

I was starting the most toxic relationship of my life that has left me traumatized for life.

I couldn't be the best mom they needed. I was also working from noon-10pm every day.

So, baby daddy would drop Tiny Hippie off with me in the morning. He'd go to his part time job.

I would get Tiny Hippie ready for 4K which started at Noon. They had to be there at 11:45. Thankfully my job was 10 minutes away.

So, I'd rush her to 4K then rush to work where I'd be from noon to 10pm, on my feet the entire time, besides 2 15 minutes breaks and a 1 hour, non paid lunch.

I came home DUNZO.

But had to put on my good girlfriend hat and deal with that mess of a situation before finally going to bed with throbbing feet around midnight to just get up and do it again the next day.

It was only 3 days a week but those 3 days killed my soul, body and mind.

So, when I left, I felt they were safe.

They were secure, safe and happy.

Their dad knew enough about their daily care to be their "main parent" until I could get back on my feet.

I appreciate how much of a role he took on that he wasn't used to.

Truly and I've thanked him a million times...

It's been over 2 years.

I am finally feeling so confident in myself as a wife, person, mother, etc.

But mostly I'm feeling THE most comfortable and confident I EVER have as a mom.

I KNOW I'm doing a great job.

Our home has no yelling.

Except when we are having fun.

It doesn't have angry parents who are fighting with each other.

We don't have adults who are just roommates who co parent.

We have so much love, respect, admiration and trust for each other in our home.

I know I provide them with a VERY HAPPY home.

Part of that happy home is letting them suck their thumbs.

It's their comfort.

The thumb thing isn't my hill to die on, but it is their fathers.

And he tells me I HAVE to get on board...

Do you know what else I just heard come from his mouth?

"We failed them."

First of all, no we did not.

It's A THUMB.

They’re teeth.

Take a step back and look at the big picture;

They aren't bullies.

They are good humans who love people fiercely.

Tiny Hippie has to deal with bullies at school who have put their hands on her...... (My mama bear Lioness comes out when I talk about this so this needs to have a pin in it for another time)

They are brilliant according to their teachers.

One wants to be a Vet, the other a Scientist so she can bring Dinos back to life... but pet sized so people can have them as pets. She's already designed her website with crayon and sketch pad paper. Haha.

They are hilarious and weird and beautiful and just all-around incredible people.

I'm PROUD to be their mom.

But back to the hill...

We did not fail them because they suck their thumbs...

My kids are incredible. They are independent, responsible, kind, creative and hilarious.

Hippie Princess just cleaned her room without being asked while blasting Hamilton on her new Bluetooth speaker she is so excited to have.

While Tiny Hippie ran around acting like she was a ninja with a foam Nerf sword.

Then she made a "Cat Kingdom", set up with stuffies as employees, a relaxing area and a food area where she fed us salmon...

Our home is full of creativity.

Imagination.

We are watching cute anime cartoons Hippie Princess is getting really into that Shermbot has introduced them to.

He is asking them what they want in their lunches and writing it down in a dang notebook and not saying no to any request unless we don't have it...

Their requests?

Sandwich,

Fruit,

Pretzels,

Moo Tube

or a Jello if we have them.

They aren't asking for candy or cake or sweets.

They are requesting healthy food without being prompted.

When we were in NC over the summer, I was complimented on the fact my kids were asking for fresh fruits as a bedtime snack.

They drink water.

They've both tried a sip of a soda and HATED it.

^Again, this is not a "I'm better than you" rant. Each family picks and chooses their own battles, hills to die on and how they want to parent their kids. They are all valid! ^

They are good, healthy, independent and creative children who deserve to have a childhood and to feel like home is their safe space where they can unmask.

Where they can let their hair down and just be wild and crazy.

Wanna run around acting like Wolves? Go for it!

Go howl at the moon!

I'll let you eat dinner from bowls on the ground if you'd like!

Want to run around and say the "bad words" you weren't allowed to say all day (we have an approved "bad words" list for our home. There are rules. Tiny Hippie exercises this right almost daily. Hippie Princess does not. She is so sweet. She says "I sometimes say them in my head." My heart. The option is always there my love.) GO FOR IT!

They have a plethora of art supplies, their own sketch books, a brand new, NICE draft table to draw on, their own rooms that are decorated just for them.

Tiny Hippie is my Dino girl and Hippie Princess is my gamer girl. Their rooms perfectly represent them.

And they love to just go hang out in their rooms, in their own space.

I remember when I couldn't even go to the bathroom without them.

Now I'm wandering around my house bored wondering what's so cool in my kiddos room they don't wanna come hang with me.

It's actually the place I couldn't wait to be at with them. It's so fun.

This is getting so long, so I'm going to finish it up with, now that I'm finally comfortable in my own skin, as a mom.

Feeling my most comfortable and confident, I will not be allowing ANYONE to tear that down.

I will not be allowing ANYONE to invalidate me as a mother or to make me fell like I'M doing something wrong.

Especially when that person clearly still has no respect for me as their mother.

I was the PRIMARY parent for almost 7 years, I did all that work for all those years and get zero credit for it.

Not only do I not get credit, I am told I failed them.

Moral of this story is;

WORDS HURT!

USE THEM WISELY AND WITH KINDESS!

I AM A HUMAN BEING.

I AM VALID.

I AM ALLOWED TO EXIST.

TO TAKE UP SPACE.

TO HAVE DIFFERING OPINIONS AND WANTING MY KIDS TO NOT HAVE TO GROW UP TOO FAST.

TO PARENT HOW I'D LIKE AND TO LIVE MY LIFE HOW I CHOOSE.

Whew. That felt like a therapy session.

I pour into the wrong people who don't pour back into me, who don't respect or even like me.

Co-Parenting is so hard but I wake up everyday ready to take it on for my girls.

If you are a mother out there struggling with co parenting, please know you are not alone!

It is so difficult sometimes but just know your kids deserve the respect you continue to show for their other parent.

It is making a difference.

Stand up for yourself, be your own advocate, do not lose your sense of who you are as a mother, demand to be included in conversations and decisions and keep trying to have them involved as much as they'd like. Also, remember it's ok to put the walls back up.

Keep it professional if you need to.

You are loved.

You are valid.

You are a great mom.

You are not alone.

-The Messy Hippie 🌈✌🏻

P.S. I left some things out that I feel are important topics to touch on but felt too personal for me to post publicly for free so I will be providing this blog with "snark" and additional information added (aka: Some tea) behind a paywall. This one will be available for free always, but if you'd like more snark and tea, there will be a different version available for a fee. It will still contain all of this, in this format, with things added in.

Thank you for reading/listening.