“Who told you that?”

"That's not right. Who told you that?"

Who. TOLD. ME. THAT?

I “told” my damn self.

I cracked open a book every once in a while and did some learning.

I pulled out my phone and instead of only looking at Fox news and doom scroll social media, I researched.

I found actual evidence based information.

I found fact based reviews.

I learned ACTUAL history.

I've learned more about history than I ever could have imagined in school, since being an adult.

Literally history or any sort of "social studies" was my least favorite subject of all time.

There were only 2 history classes I ever enjoyed even though I barely passed with a D.

One was US History I believe. The teacher was the best, most relatable, most understanding teacher I'd had. He used to joke with us but never made me feel uncomfortable in any way. He was reachable. I felt safe going to him and joking with him. I may not have learned anything from his class (due to my own shortcomings) but the lifetime of memories I have from that class, like a friend and her husband meeting in that class when we what 15? maybe 16? (They are still together with 4 kids now. Them meeting is a core memory for me. Shout out if you are reading.)

During a test he would say "the answer is NOT B, if you put down B, you will be WROOOONG." Which meant the answer was B. He knew standardize testing was BS. I appreciate his efforts.

The second was Bible as History.

I know, it's an odd one.

Especially coming from an Atheist.

That class was interesting but our teacher, made that class so memorable for me.

We affectionately called him Mr. Green Bean from a green track suit he was wearing one day and his last name. I remember him telling us he wanted to visit Israel 3 times before he died and he had already been 2 times. That was 21-22 years ago! I hope he got to see Israel one more time. Possibly RIP Mr. Green Bean? (or if you are still kicking, get it bud! I hope you got to see Israel that 3rd time! Thank you for the memories)

He was also my English teacher that year.

I know he was sick and tired of seeing my face at the end of that semester. Haha.

But my best friend was in that class as well!

We would always study together so we had so many inside jokes. "NEBAKANEZA"

We also are really chatty when we are together.

Teachers HATED when they saw both our names on their roster for the same time slot. Bahaha.

In the History class, our teacher made us sit in the same row (vertically) of chairs, I think there were 4 or 5 total. I had to sit in the VERY front (I would get a crick in my neck from looking UP at our teacher he was so close to my desk) and she had to sit in the very back. We still found ways to communicate though... “NEBAKANEZA”! I love you for life!

SQUIRREL.

I've developed a deep love of history.

ALL kinds of history.

Except the wars. Those I pass on.

But I love to learn about the history of religions.

The history of people.

The history of the universe.

The history of the United States.

The history of America.

The Royal History of all countries.

(Royal History in general just fascinates me!)

The list goes on and on.

I’ve learned the REAL history.

The stories that were told and buried by the fallen.

By the defeated.

I've learned scientific evidence based history.

It truly became a passion of mine to absorb as much information I could.

I wanted to know it ALL.

I also went through a gnarly phase of learning a ton about bio hazard cleaning.

A phase of watching every Youtube documentary I could get my hands on about plane crashes. (this was back in 2022, now this is just eerie given recent events of the world, like planes literally colliding into each other mid air at an airport)

Then a dark true crime phase where I learned every single thing I could about a case in my state from 2020. I watched the trial, the interviews, I watched the documentaries. I was HOOKED.

It was the Chandler Halderson case.

My ADHD brain loves to hyper focus on things like that.

So history became a hyper focus.

The point of that rant is;

No one TOLD me anything.

No one TOLD me the knowledge I am relaying to you.

I took the time to look into information and source the information.

I took the time to truly understand the information by consuming it in different forms in different ways.

I took information from those sources and drew a conclusion.

Aka: I used CRITICAL THINKING.

No one TOLD ME anything.

That is so invalidating to say to someone.

So please. Stop.

I just had someone utter those words "Who told you that. It's wrong." to me and my fight or flight instincts were set off.

That is something I used to hear from the most important person in my life at the time when I would try to have an intelligent conversation with them.

It was so degrading, invalidating and rude.

No one TOLD me anything.

And you saying that makes me feel like a child.

Like a 4 year old who misunderstood a rule told to them.

I'm a GROWN ass woman.

And I was a grown ass woman when you used to say it to me!

With my own brain.

My own thoughts.

My own ideas.

My own opinions.

No one TOLD me what to believe.

Side tangent incoming;

^this is NOT a dig at anyone’s religion or their faith!^

That's something I don't even understand about religion.

I don't need the promise of heaven or the fear of hell to be a good person and to love my neighbor.

To not lie or steal or cheat.

To not hoard wealth.

My critical thinking skills solved the equation of; if I help this person, I get this in return and then I can provide to my family and they can grow into the next generation who are collectively helping one another to make a community.

That's my goal.

Society has strayed so far from the idea of working together collectively.

We've become too selfish.

We hoard and dictate resources.

It's honestly embarrassing to even be a human being on planet earth right now in my opinion.

There is no sense of community anymore. But that is a conversation for another time.

Back to those good ole' critical thinking skills.

I have them.

Believe it or not, I do.

My brain is fully developed.

I've lived and experienced things.

And no, you do not get to say what I know you want to. It's already in my head anytime I say it.

Words hurt.

My critical thinking skills put 2 and 2 together and got myself out of two relationships I wasn't sure I would ever find a way out of.

My place is not "pregnant and bare foot in the kitchen." so to speak.

I am so much more than that.

I am a woman.

A POWERFUL woman.

A woman who was held back for too long.

A Lioness ready to fight back to protect her pride, her cubs and her fellow women.

I am fierce.

I am strong.

I am capable.

I am READY.

And I do not need to be TOLD things, because I learn them myself.

We are women.

We are warriors.

We give life.

We use our superpowers.

We break glass ceilings.

We rise and we resist.

Gone are the days of

"Live, Laugh, Love."

Now our walls are lined with:

"Rage, Riot, Resist."

We are teaching a new generation of women to stand up against;

"Who TOLD you that?"

When a woman gives her knowledgeable opinion.

Do not assume it is not hers.

Do not assume someone told her how to think.

Do not assume she does not have critical thinking skills and logic.

Then to follow it up with "that's not right" when it is factually correct...

It's not a good look.

Love and respect women.

We help make the world 🌎🌍🌏 go around.

-The Messy Hippie 🌈✌🏻

Co Parenting is hard y’all.

Trigger Warning; This blog does mention self harm. Please take care of your mental health and proceed with caution if you choose to continue. 🤍

How do you stop needing or caring about validation from someone?

I have no idea.

I wish I did.

I embarrassingly still need reassurance I'm doing a good job as a mom from specific people in my life.

I don't know why. I got a "You are a good mom." ONCE from the person I needed to hear it from the most, that I can remember since I've been a mom

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I was sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing uncontrollably because I was so overstimulated by my children.

I couldn't handle the noise, the constant needing me, the messes and just in general, I hated myself.

I wanted to run away so badly.

The only thing that got me up off the floor that day was him texting me back after telling him what was going on, "you are a good mom."

I even told him that's what I needed to hear and thank you.

He was flabbergasted.

My love language is words of affirmation.

In those early days as a mom, trying my best to do everything perfectly, researching like a crazy person, getting no sleep, stressing beyond belief, calling nurses because my kids’ poop was black and I had forgotten she had eaten a TON of blueberries.

I was trying to be THE best mom and I NEEDED the affirmation I was doing a good job.

I researched the best cloth diapers.

The best bottles.

The best breast pumps.

The best car seat.

How to PROPERLY do Baby Led Weaning.

I never had a bucket seat; I wore my kids everywhere in a wrap or a Tula.

I researched breast feeding.

I tried my hardest to do it.

I researched the best IBCLC (International Board-Certified Lactation Consultant) in town.

Hired her.

Had her come help me try to breast feed.

Found a dentist that did lip and tongue ties revision with laser to see if that helped (it didn't).

I would scream in pain the second Hippie Princess would latch.

But I kept trying.

I had no clue what I was doing but I was trying.

I finally had to give up breast feeding (I'll do a whole blog on this journey soon) and exclusively pumped for 4 months. I had a nice stash going to where I was able to give her breast milk exclusively for another month after I stopped pumping.

Looking back, I am SO proud of myself but also, SO sad for that new mom.

I did everything in my power to make sure I was doing EVERYTHING correctly.

I wanted to be the best mom.

I wanted to prove to everyone I was a good mom.

But I was always left feeling like the worst honestly.

^I'm going to caveat this with, those are not meant to make me seem like a great mom because I did any of them, for me, it was that I actually was trying to make sure I was doing what was best for my daughter, in the ways that made sense for our family. This is not to shame any other mother for their choice in ANYTHING parenting, as long as their child is safe and loved. ^

I was severely depressed.

I had zero help from anyone outside of my kids’ father when he was able. (military)

I had a prescription for an anti depressant in my hands after I gave birth to Tiny Hippie...

I asked my spouse how he felt, what his thoughts were on me taking them, etc.

He said he didn't like the idea.

So, I had that bottle of pills in my hand sitting at my dining room table back in 2018...

I decided to not take them.

But omg, I needed those desperately.

I wish I could back in time and open that bottle and force one of the pills down my own throat!

Instead, I put them away to expire and eventually need to be disposed of.

It wasn't until 2020 when I had a bit of a breakdown and wanted to cut myself for the first time since I was 18 years old. I was in my 30's, a wife and mom! I can't be thinking like that!

I remember standing in my bathroom holding the razor ready to tear it apart and trying to figure out where I could cut on my body so my spouse wouldn't see.

I knew in that moment I needed help.

I calmy but also hysterically somehow, put the razor down and walked into the living room where my spouse was sitting.

I took a deep breath and explained to him as calmly as I could what just happened, where my mindset was and that I was scared.

I needed help.

I told him I was making an appointment to see someone about depression and anxiety.

He said OK.

I then booked a hotel in a town an hour away for the weekend for just me.

I left the next day after he got off work.

I slept the entire time.

I was in such a dark headspace even being with myself was too much.

I hated everything and everyone.

I had the appointment on that Monday.

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which I already knew I had because I've had it since I was a kid... I would have severe panic attacks where I was fully convinced, I was dying. I saw a therapist and then wasn't allowed caffeine again until I was old enough to choose for myself.

So, like 16?

No soda, unless it was Sprite or Root Beer.

I couldn't even drink my favorite sweet tea!

Sad Panda.

But this time they finally gave me the magic pill!

And I rushed home to take it immediately!

Night and FREAKING DAY!

I'm so angry I waited so long.

But that's not the point of this blog.

I can't let myself get too distracted here.

Focus.

Back to 2016, I was trying desperately to prove I was a great mom to my spouse at the time while my daughter was going through her 4-month-old sleep regression which led me AGAIN to the interwebs, seeking help.

I found a course I bought for $40 called the Sleep Sense Program.

O-M-G. I cannot recommend her program enough!! I used it with both kids.

It saved my sanity!

Hippie Princess was sleeping fully through the night within a week and naps finally were where I needed them to be within 2-3 weeks.

Oh, that's another thing I researched at nauseum... sleep schedules. Nap schedules. I always made sure I had a schedule, depending on their age, it would be so many hours of awake time then nap, awake time, nap, etc. (I will actually be making a page dedicated to the sleep schedules I used with my kiddos in case other moms are in need of some guidance in that area... stay tuned!)

I finally had it down to a well-oiled machine. I was so proud of myself.

I had naysayers telling me “Ugh. Stop being so strict! Just let her stay up late one night!"

No.

Are you going to be here all night trying to get an overly tired infant to sleep?

No? Then stop.

It's my kid.

This is how I'm parenting.

Back. Off.

Also, yes, trying to give a 4 month old a lollipop after her mother already straight up told you, NO, makes you a… not so good person.

Now, during that time she couldn't keep a pacifier in her mouth so she would cry every time it fell out. I finally had to just stop giving her one because it was every 5 minutes and I was not well mentally. She was already starting to suck her thumb at that point but once I said OK, I can't do the Paci game anymore, the habit intensified.

I did the same with Tiny Hippie...

She also found her thumb.

Now, to me, it's no biggie.

It's their comfort.

I had a lot on my plate, trying to stop a 1-year-old from sucking her thumb was not even on my list, let alone a priority.

Now, once she was 3/4, I was mentally in a bit of a better place and she was starting 4K so I wanted to start weaning her from her thumb.

Of course, in typical me fashion, I researched like crazy.

I found this arm brace that makes it harder for them to get their thumb in their mouths.

I bought it.

I showed my spouse how to use it, when to use it, etc.

I tried to get him on board...

He wasn't.

Or if he was, he wasn't on board with actually implementing it.

It was on my shoulders.

Spoiler alert, it stopped getting used all together and never brought up again.

Now, when I left in 2023, I knew the kids were going to be staying with him primarily because the house was too expensive and too much for me to maintain and we wanted them to stay put. I wanted very little to change for them.

I also was mentally not in a place to be their primary care giver.

I was starting the most toxic relationship of my life that has left me traumatized for life.

I couldn't be the best mom they needed. I was also working from noon-10pm every day.

So, baby daddy would drop Tiny Hippie off with me in the morning. He'd go to his part time job.

I would get Tiny Hippie ready for 4K which started at Noon. They had to be there at 11:45. Thankfully my job was 10 minutes away.

So, I'd rush her to 4K then rush to work where I'd be from noon to 10pm, on my feet the entire time, besides 2 15 minutes breaks and a 1 hour, non paid lunch.

I came home DUNZO.

But had to put on my good girlfriend hat and deal with that mess of a situation before finally going to bed with throbbing feet around midnight to just get up and do it again the next day.

It was only 3 days a week but those 3 days killed my soul, body and mind.

So, when I left, I felt they were safe.

They were secure, safe and happy.

Their dad knew enough about their daily care to be their "main parent" until I could get back on my feet.

I appreciate how much of a role he took on that he wasn't used to.

Truly and I've thanked him a million times...

It's been over 2 years.

I am finally feeling so confident in myself as a wife, person, mother, etc.

But mostly I'm feeling THE most comfortable and confident I EVER have as a mom.

I KNOW I'm doing a great job.

Our home has no yelling.

Except when we are having fun.

It doesn't have angry parents who are fighting with each other.

We don't have adults who are just roommates who co parent.

We have so much love, respect, admiration and trust for each other in our home.

I know I provide them with a VERY HAPPY home.

Part of that happy home is letting them suck their thumbs.

It's their comfort.

The thumb thing isn't my hill to die on, but it is their fathers.

And he tells me I HAVE to get on board...

Do you know what else I just heard come from his mouth?

"We failed them."

First of all, no we did not.

It's A THUMB.

They’re teeth.

Take a step back and look at the big picture;

They aren't bullies.

They are good humans who love people fiercely.

Tiny Hippie has to deal with bullies at school who have put their hands on her...... (My mama bear Lioness comes out when I talk about this so this needs to have a pin in it for another time)

They are brilliant according to their teachers.

One wants to be a Vet, the other a Scientist so she can bring Dinos back to life... but pet sized so people can have them as pets. She's already designed her website with crayon and sketch pad paper. Haha.

They are hilarious and weird and beautiful and just all-around incredible people.

I'm PROUD to be their mom.

But back to the hill...

We did not fail them because they suck their thumbs...

My kids are incredible. They are independent, responsible, kind, creative and hilarious.

Hippie Princess just cleaned her room without being asked while blasting Hamilton on her new Bluetooth speaker she is so excited to have.

While Tiny Hippie ran around acting like she was a ninja with a foam Nerf sword.

Then she made a "Cat Kingdom", set up with stuffies as employees, a relaxing area and a food area where she fed us salmon...

Our home is full of creativity.

Imagination.

We are watching cute anime cartoons Hippie Princess is getting really into that Shermbot has introduced them to.

He is asking them what they want in their lunches and writing it down in a dang notebook and not saying no to any request unless we don't have it...

Their requests?

Sandwich,

Fruit,

Pretzels,

Moo Tube

or a Jello if we have them.

They aren't asking for candy or cake or sweets.

They are requesting healthy food without being prompted.

When we were in NC over the summer, I was complimented on the fact my kids were asking for fresh fruits as a bedtime snack.

They drink water.

They've both tried a sip of a soda and HATED it.

^Again, this is not a "I'm better than you" rant. Each family picks and chooses their own battles, hills to die on and how they want to parent their kids. They are all valid! ^

They are good, healthy, independent and creative children who deserve to have a childhood and to feel like home is their safe space where they can unmask.

Where they can let their hair down and just be wild and crazy.

Wanna run around acting like Wolves? Go for it!

Go howl at the moon!

I'll let you eat dinner from bowls on the ground if you'd like!

Want to run around and say the "bad words" you weren't allowed to say all day (we have an approved "bad words" list for our home. There are rules. Tiny Hippie exercises this right almost daily. Hippie Princess does not. She is so sweet. She says "I sometimes say them in my head." My heart. The option is always there my love.) GO FOR IT!

They have a plethora of art supplies, their own sketch books, a brand new, NICE draft table to draw on, their own rooms that are decorated just for them.

Tiny Hippie is my Dino girl and Hippie Princess is my gamer girl. Their rooms perfectly represent them.

And they love to just go hang out in their rooms, in their own space.

I remember when I couldn't even go to the bathroom without them.

Now I'm wandering around my house bored wondering what's so cool in my kiddos room they don't wanna come hang with me.

It's actually the place I couldn't wait to be at with them. It's so fun.

This is getting so long, so I'm going to finish it up with, now that I'm finally comfortable in my own skin, as a mom.

Feeling my most comfortable and confident, I will not be allowing ANYONE to tear that down.

I will not be allowing ANYONE to invalidate me as a mother or to make me fell like I'M doing something wrong.

Especially when that person clearly still has no respect for me as their mother.

I was the PRIMARY parent for almost 7 years, I did all that work for all those years and get zero credit for it.

Not only do I not get credit, I am told I failed them.

Moral of this story is;

WORDS HURT!

USE THEM WISELY AND WITH KINDESS!

I AM A HUMAN BEING.

I AM VALID.

I AM ALLOWED TO EXIST.

TO TAKE UP SPACE.

TO HAVE DIFFERING OPINIONS AND WANTING MY KIDS TO NOT HAVE TO GROW UP TOO FAST.

TO PARENT HOW I'D LIKE AND TO LIVE MY LIFE HOW I CHOOSE.

Whew. That felt like a therapy session.

I pour into the wrong people who don't pour back into me, who don't respect or even like me.

Co-Parenting is so hard but I wake up everyday ready to take it on for my girls.

If you are a mother out there struggling with co parenting, please know you are not alone!

It is so difficult sometimes but just know your kids deserve the respect you continue to show for their other parent.

It is making a difference.

Stand up for yourself, be your own advocate, do not lose your sense of who you are as a mother, demand to be included in conversations and decisions and keep trying to have them involved as much as they'd like. Also, remember it's ok to put the walls back up.

Keep it professional if you need to.

You are loved.

You are valid.

You are a great mom.

You are not alone.

-The Messy Hippie 🌈✌🏻

P.S. I left some things out that I feel are important topics to touch on but felt too personal for me to post publicly for free so I will be providing this blog with "snark" and additional information added (aka: Some tea) behind a paywall. This one will be available for free always, but if you'd like more snark and tea, there will be a different version available for a fee. It will still contain all of this, in this format, with things added in.

Thank you for reading/listening.

The beginning of Forever & Always.

“Ain't it funny how love hits you when you least expect it to?”

Just one look into your eyes and I knew,

I was gonna spend my life with you.

I promise I'm yours,

Always and forever.”

Some days I pull out my computer and start typing where the words just connect from my brain to my fingers in a way that looks effortless. Seamless. Natural.

Then there are days like today.

Where I have 3 blogs started but for some reason the words just aren't coming to me.

It's sort of a writer’s block but more of a "I have SO many ideas and thoughts I don't know where to begin" so I end up overwhelmed and close my laptop to focus on something else.

Or I listen to music.

Right now, I'm having one of those moments where I have the idea of what I want to write about but for some reason the words just aren't coming to me as naturally.

That is where music really comes in to help.

I put my Spotify favorites list and pick a song that I feel resonates with my mood.

I blast it with my eyes closed, singing at the top of my lungs.

If it still doesn't feel right.

I move on to another song.

Until I find the right one.

Today that song is "Forever and Always" by Ryan Mack.

He's an incredible artist with music that is very relatable.

I highly recommend checking out him out!

Back to the point;

This is a song I listen to when I'm feeling all Lovey Dovey towards Shermbot.

Today I'm feeling that.

It was a great day.

First day we’ve have the girls back home since my medical crisis.

We don't really realize TRULY how much we missed them until they are here again.

Our home just feels complete.

It's noisy again.

Everyone is so happy to be back together, we end up running into each other in the halls trying to get to another member of the family to tell them what we need to say.

Usually I'm running in one direction trying to tell Tiny Hippie something while Hippie Princess is running the opposite direction to show Shermbot something cool on her game while Tiny Hippie is trying to find Hippie Princess to ask her something and Shermbot is trying to find me to tell me something.

It's the perfect balance of chaos, love, excitement, ADHD and whole lot of Golden Retriever energy.

I love it.

The buzzing of my household when my girls are here is something I tried to run away from for years.

My overstimulated, unmedicated, neurodivergent brain just couldn't process all that noise and chaos because there was already so much chaos in my brain to begin with.

Now, that I'm in a healthy, happy marriage, I'm actively working towards my life goals, I'm properly medicated and add in a bit of my kiddos being older and more independent, I now live for these evenings.

I feel pure elation when I'm able to pack lunches, backpacks, do their laundry, pick out clothes, help with baths and showers, then spend quality time brushing their hair as they tell me about their game or video or about their day and friends.

I have been hearing a lot of "I love you so much mom. I'm glad you are my mom. You're a nice mom. Shermbot is the silliest step-dad! I'm glad you chose him." lately.

I'm a big words of affirmation girl so those words coming from my tiny humans mouths mean EVERYTHING to me.

It shows me I'm on the right path.

The right track.

I'm actively parenting and doing a good job at it.

For so many years, I questioned why I even had kids.

Often my answer when asked "why did you have kids" was "because society told me I had to."

Ouch.

But that is how checked out I was from my life.

From parenting.

Now I'm fully present.

I'm here, showing up and actively living IN my life WITH my children and husband.

I'm no longer an outsider just looking in.

I'm no longer just a passenger along for the ride of my own life.

I am now in control of my life.

My path.

My career.

My choices.

My decisions.

My parenting.

And my marriage.

I feel so empowered.

So strong, motivated and eager.

It's like I woke up from a fever dream with this incredibly beautiful and full life that I had been sleeping on for years!

Good morning Messy Hippie;

Welcome to your life.

You are 39 now, but guess what, I really think your life is just about to truly begin.

I am on the cusp of greatness, I can feel it in my bones.

I am like a race horse who has been held back in the stable for far too long.

I'm ready to bust down that gate to start sprinting full speed towards my future and goals with my family by my side.

Today we got the girls notebooks for them to start writing down all of their ideas they have for our big family project;

Stay tuned! This one will take a while but the ideas that are flowing from those two, are gonna be so worth the wait! I'm so excited for everything our family has in store and planned for the future.

Moving on;

My inspiration for this particular blog was my husband.

My Shermie.

My Shermbot...

My forever and always.

We've only been together for 9 months total.

Our first date, after having chatted through messages and texts for a week, was on May 27, 2024.

It took some prodding from me, with the help of my baby daddy, who was right next to me the entire time, coaching me on what to say, how to not scare him off, and how to get him to ask me on a date!

I was leaving beginning of June for 6 weeks MINIMUM to go to North Carolina.

But I was planning on being there until the end of August honestly.

So I was on a time crunch!

Although my original plan for a summer in NC was a lot of “Hot Girl Summer” shenanigans…

If we were going to actually meet in person (we met on a dating app, more to this story some other time) to feel out how our connection was, I needed it to happen ASAP.

Finally after I just straight up put it out there that I was interested in a date (I will be posting the actual coversation in a moment) he asked me to go to the zoo.... SWOON.

Coversation about date:

"This is gonna keep bugging me and I know my ex is going to be giving me so much crap about this but whatever and I may come off a little cray and that's fair. Just know I'm aware of all of that and I'm still proceeding.

Why aren't you trying to set up something to meet me in person? I gave you a date of when I'll be leaving for 6 weeks and said I'd like to meet up before but then you haven't reciprocated."

Yeah... I put it all out there.

He was worth it and I knew it.

I fell in love with this man before I even met him in person. The date was something I needed to solidify that. To make sure I wasn't crazy and this connection was real... Oh boy was it!

But honestly, who doesn't love a woman who can just put it all on the table and make it known what she wants?!

I bet he fell in love with me right then and there! Haha. Shermie?

So here was his response:

"Honestly, I was enjoying talking, I spaced! Please don't think anything other than I'm dumb."

And proceeded to let me know when he'd be free.

Followed by:

"I actually think it's really attractive that you asked that!

I absolutely want to meet you in person."

Told you... He fell in love. I knew it.

::Brushes off shoulders::

I responded with a cute quippy:

"This response WILL be critiqued tomorrow by my ex and I just so you know."

To which he responded:

"Tis fair"

Quickly followed up by

"You're flustered! Haha."

on my end and

"A little" from him.

Swoon. Shermie, look! I went back and found when the flustered moment happened!

We talk about the fact that I called him out on being flustered early on and it's a running joke now.

The next morning convo went down like this:

Him- "Hi! Any update on my case review?"

Me- "Discussing at the moment!! Scary good timing!"

Me- "I'm trying to talk him into bailing on this one chick for Monday. He's considering it."

The rest of the conversation trailed off while we waited for my ex to figure out his own plans so I could make one with Sherm.

We landed on that Monday (it was Memorial Day I believe, or whatever one is in May).

He planned a date to a free zoo that is a 1 hour drive for both of us since he lived 2 hours north of me.

I insisted on finding one halfway so it was fair. Luckily, there is a phenomenal free zoo that also has the best Christmas lights during the winter, only an hour away! We went back with our girls this winter to see the lights and donated 10 jars of peanut butter to the food pantry. I love helping my community in anyway I’m able and a variety of 3 different types of peanut butter in multiple quantities in my opinion, is a great start.

(I did research before hand because I’m ridiculous and cannot just be a normal human who goes through their pantry and grabs whatever canned food your family doesn’t really love to donate… No. I had to make sure what I brought was something they actually NEEDED. I saw Peanut Butter… Excellent and delicious source of protein for all. Especially picky eaters. I highly recommend checking out your local food pantry needs if you are in a position to donate to make sure what you are offering is going to be appreciated and a welcome change. Even just one thing from the list of low supply items would make a world of difference.)

We met up around noon that day.

First thing out of his mouth as I got out of my van?

"The speed limit is 15."

To which I smiled, probably rolled my eyes and thought:

“Wow, that was bold for a first meeting...”

Then stuck out my hand to shake his after my ex had just told me to not shake hands! HUG! It's a date not an interview!

Whoops.

Sherm's response to my hand being presented to him?

"Oh. Ok. So we are doing this?"

Yup! Hi.

We shook hands then started on our merry way to walk around the zoo and chat for our first date.

The date didn't end for another 11 hours....

Yes, you read that right. Our first date was 11 hours long... at a zoo, then a diner, then a park bench by a lake.

The only reason we finally called it a night at 11pm was because we each had an hour drive home and he had to work the next day. I could have sat on that park bench just talking to him until the sun came up.

At one point during dinner at a random diner we found as we were just walking around getting to know each other, my ex had text me asking if I was alive!

OH YEAH! I hadn't spoken to him since I left his house HOURS ago!

Again, whoops.

I told him yes I am alive, I was sorry for not checking in sooner and that I was having a phenomenal time.

His response was:

"Good! You deserve it!"

In that moment I knew the man across from me was going to be my husband and that my ex and I were finally in a place where this man could fit into our little weird, quirky, "messy" family.

It was a strange sort of approval I didn't realize I needed, but I'm thankful I received.

Preesh Baby Daddy! He-he.

I was told later that on the drive home from the date Sherm thought to himself

"That's the woman I'm going to marry. It's her. I'm marrying HER."

He never really had a desire to get married or have kids even.

It just wasn't something he felt super driven to necessarily.

It wasn’t something that called to him.

He was content with his life…

Until he met me.

I turned his world upside down, threw 2 really incredible kids into his orbit, a supportive baby daddy and "made" him uproot his life to move to the tiny, middle of no where town in the Midwest where my kids are within a matter of months.

I'd like to think I was worth it... especially since he locked me down after only 5 months!

So our date was incredible, we were able to spend one weekend together before I left for NC where I showed him 2 notes I had in Notes app on my phone...

One that I wrote on May 30, 2024 and told him I needed to get it out before I exploded... the thing that was written was

“I LOVE YOU”.

The second was written on May 29, 2024, ironically before the I love you... it was "weird brain thoughts" and it said:

"Let's go get married"

I showed them to him that weekend, after I had only met him in person TWICE! But the words that flew from his mouth made me realize he was the one and this is the right path.

Without a second’s hesitation he uttered

"Omg. I LOVE YOU TOO!"

and

"YES! LETS GET MARRIED!"

All I needed to hear before heading to NC to being our long-distance relationship... More on the rest of that later.

After I returned back to my Baby Daddy’s from that incredible weekend where we literally did not leave his room for an entire day. We didn’t turn on the tv, we had no music, we did nothing but sit on his bed and talk and laugh and tell stories and jokes and just get to know each other. There was no pre conceived notion of being intimate either.

Everything just flowed so naturally between us.

Truly I was just existing with my best friend.

That has not changed even once since that moment.

He is my best friend.

Period. Point blank.

He is the person I can talk to about ANYTHING, he knows it ALL. He knows all the deep dark secrets, even the ones that aren’t mine. He’s the ONLY one who knows the WHOLE story of the relationship I was in just before him and all that came with that, all the trauma I have had to process through during our 9 months so far. I’ve put in so much work with him by my side of processing and eventually just accepting this is the information I have now in my brain and it’s not going anywhere. So I needed to work through it, know my kids are safe. I’m safe and then tuck it away in a very very tiny box in the far back of my brain. I’m still not there yet, it’s still pretty prominent in my brain but to be fair, it’s not even been a year since that all ended so I’m still a working progress but the amount of work I’ve done on me so far in these past 9 months are unreal. I’m so proud of where I am today.

To be fortunate enough to have a love like this, to be loved by this man the way I am, in the ways I NEED to be loved, it’s something I never thought I would be worthy of until him.

I’m going to end this one here with; Sherm the Worm, you are my soupsnake.

You are my best friend.

You are my truest partner in everything I do in life.

Thank you for loving me, loving my girls, accepting us, our weird brains and all the messiness that comes with us.

Thank you for being the man and person you are at your core but also for being open to change and actually MAKING the changes within yourself to be the best version of you possible.

The amount of growth the two of us have had over the past 9 months is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.

Forever growing together, not apart, in love and life.

Growing together in our future, investing in one another. Recognizing our own strengths and weaknesses to balance one another.

It’s the perfect dance and I would not trade it for anything in the world.

Our love story is unique, weird, special and OURS.

It also happens to my favorite along with you.

To my readers/listeners, I apologize for the sappy love letter to my husband in this one, but it helps put things into perspective when I’m speaking about my life and where I am now.

There will be more to come on our love story and how it went from that first date and weekend to almost 2 months long distance, hiding him on facetime from my nosey kiddos because we weren’t ready to share with them yet and everything that has transpired since then.

I will also be posting photos, screenshots and anything else I feel is relevant and possibly interesting behind a paywall on my website eventually. Stay tuned for the fun bonuses to come.

Thank you so much for reading or listening and just being here.

I appreciate each and every one of you who takes the time to read my words.

You are beautiful.

You are loved.

You are valuable.

Until next time my beautiful friends,

-The Messy Hippie 🌈✌🏻

Little Orphan Ashley?

I have to blast "BDE" to get me pumped for this one.

I'm nervous but I know this one is necessary for my own mental health.

I am strong.

I am powerful.

I am important.

I am valid.

I am worthy of love.

True, unconditional love.

I am worthy of support.

I put into so many others.

I pour for my own, empty cup, into others.

I've done it since I was a child.

Ahhh, this is so hard to write out but I know I have to;

My heart is racing. Slow down heart! You almost had a heart attack on Monday!

Ok, new song;

Far Too Late;

"I hate that I care about blood that we share, when you were never there for me.

 You said take it or leave it, so I took it and ran.

 Just to end up with my face in both of my hands.

 You don't ever see, so you don't understand.

 But maybe that's a part of your plan."

-Connor Kauffman/Erik Ron/Miles Wesley

IT'S FAR TOO LATE FOR A SORRY NOW.

Phew; Ok, I needed that. I needed the reminder that this is MY story.

I have the right to tell it.

I have a right to not have this constant worry of hurting someone’s feelings.

I will never ever say a name. I will never ever say EXACTLY who I am speaking about, but if you are reading this and you are feeling guilty... then it's time to look in the mirror and own your mistakes. Be accountable. No more excuses. You said what you said. Own it. It happened.

The words flew from your mouth into my ears and heart with such ferocity you will claim you don't even remember.

Well, guess what.

I do.

They stuck to my young, developing self like super glue.

They have left lasting scars I am just now, at 39 trying to heal.

Alone.

As an Orphan.

“It's far too late for a sorry now.”

I just hope this reaches who it needs to, even if it isn't the person it's directed towards.

Even if it reaches one person.

One person I don't even know, who can read this blog, and recognize how their own words may have impacted someone.

If that person is able to take a mirror and really reflect on how their words made that person feel, be accountable for it and if the other party is open to an apology, be able to offer one.

If that happens to just one person, this will be worth writing.

As scary as it is.

As much as I'm shaking.

It will be worth it.

Buckle up, put on your open ears, heart and mind hat.

Grab a drink of your choice, continue when you are mentally ready.

DEEP BREATHS;

Ok, here we go.

When I was a teenager, my grandmother died on Christmas Day.

It was 2002. I was in 10th grade.

I remember standing around her bed all holding hands and praying over her.

Then, I remember the next update I received was when I was sitting at home, all excited about Christmas, seeing family, my gifts, calling my friends to see what they were up to, what did they get?! OMG, THEY GOT A VIDEO CAMERA! The amount of ridiculous stuff we are about to film on it.

Huzzah!

^Falls down stairs, holding soda can, doesn't spill a drop^

All caught on camera. 🤓

I was a master at falling and not spilling the drink in my hand.

It really was a bit of a super power. Ha-ha.

It was comedic relief for my friends which I was happy to provide since it just came naturally to me.

I'm glad I'm only 4'11". Much closer to the ground to impact the fall.

Distracting myself;

Ok, so I remember it was Christmas, 2002. 12/25/2002.

My parents received the call that she had passed and we were told the news.

I remember my world just crashing down around me all of the sudden.

This woman that was so influential in my life.

The woman who used to pick me up from dance class with either a York peppermint patty or a Three Musketeer candy bar.

They were our favorites.

I'd go to her house and open her chess table that housed all of the grandkid’s toys.

They weren't even really toys, just little trinkets and nick knacks that we made into toys.

I remember making up so many stories and acting them out with these little trinkets.

Then I would go down to their converted den, which used to be a car port, to get a Mickey Mouse ice cream bar.

Ya know, the ones shaped like Mickey's head. They were vanilla ice cream covered in a hard milk chocolate on a wooden stick.

It was my second home.

I felt so safe there.

So loved.

So seen.

 That woman, with the cutest German accent on the planet, who was the hardest worker I knew, out there in her later stages of life even, still cleaning houses, condos, apartments, etc.

She was a hustler.

Respect Granny! I love you and miss you more than you could ever know, thank you for the 16 years I got to have you in my life. You made the biggest positive impact on me in a time where I felt like my home life was in turmoil.

After that devastating blow, I didn't know where to turn or who to reach out to.

I did reach out to a friend. Remember we were teens and it was Christmas day...

I remember crying and telling them my Granny had just died and how sad I was.

They proceeded to tell me all about the awesome gifts they had gotten.

I won't lie; it was a gut punch that has stuck with me all these years.

I don't hold a single thing against this person or those words, but it stung in a way that I felt like my sadness was invalidated by my friend’s excitement over Christmas gifts.

It was a selfish mindset, I realize that, but it still stung.

I moved on from that conversation and the rest of Christmas just wasn't the same. I honestly don't even remember it after that point.

Next thing I remember is being at my Granny's wake.

I remember seeing her laying in her casket, cold, stiff, lifeless... Why is this still a thing?!

My mind started playing tricks on me and I thought I could see her breathing at one point!

Still haunts me.

So we were standing around as the family, chatting with the people who came to show their love and support and condolences.

 This is the hard part, and I don't know why I'm having so much trouble writing it out.

I think because I feel like I'm exposing someone and shining a negative light on them, when all I'm trying to do is show them how words affect others and how it affected me;

I have spoken up about this in person, but I was invalidated and told that's not what was said.

The cycle never ends.

Unless we BREAK it.

 So as we are standing there, I hear these words come out of someone that was an authority over me, but also the person I thought was supposed to love me the most in the world;

"Yeah, I had to bring my babysitter along as well so I had to bring the younger ones." with a glance over at me, who was only a couple feet away.

This person was referring to me.

I was the "babysitter".

This was my grandmother.

MY flesh and blood.

I have EVERY right to be there and every right to be there as her granddaughter who loved her fiercely.

I deserved to be there as a family member.

I deserved the same respect, love, support and condolences as everyone else who just lost our matriarch.

Instead, I was belittled, invalidated and made to feel like this person’s employee.

Spoiler alert, this person was also MY FLESH AND BLOOD...

Those words resonate in my head from time to time.

"My babysitter"

That's all I was.

I was there to look after the younger ones.

It was just the story of my life.

My summers were spent, not going to camp, or to stay with friends (except only overnight and I had to be back the next morning so I could "babysit" (note- unpaid I may add), or out to the movies, or to ride bikes, etc.

It was spent looking after the littles.

I know, I know, you are probably saying, well they had to work! Daycare was expensive! Help your family!

I WAS A CHILD MYSELF!!!!!!

I deserved to have my own autonomy, I had a right to fun, care free summers as well.

I didn't have any part in the creating or making of these humans, so why am I the one responsible for them?

Because the economy was such crap and we were so poor and money was being spent on things that were killing them...

 Again, CHILD, how was that MY fault? MY responsibility?

I'm healing from a 5.5 hemoglobin level, (normal is 12-14 in women, under 6.5 is life threatening) requiring 2 bags of blood to bring me back from the brink due to my own uterus failing me so badly.

I reached out to their father, the other person who helped make these children, raise these children and is half legally responsible to them to help me with their care.

To take keep them on my days so I can just rest and heal and have my husband be by my side in case crisis strikes again and we aren't scrambling to find childcare for them.

I didn't ask anyone else.

I didn't expect anyone else, not even my husband, their stepfather, to take responsibility of my children.

I went to their other parent.

If he weren't able, I would have made sure they were home with me, tucked in my bed trying to keep them still while I rest.

I would NEVER put that responsibility on another child, especially unpaid.

EVER.

Straight up, I was parentified starting at 6.5 years old.

There is no way around this fact. It is a fact.

It happened.

I've acknowledged that, I've tried to accept, forgive and move on from it.

I have so much more work to do, a therapist is my next step once I'm out of this deep hole.

My writing is helping so much though. I can get it out of my head and out into the ether.

I'm hoping my stories can even help someone. Or at the very least make them look within themselves at the impact their words have on them.

Oh my gosh, I feel so much better just getting that tiny bit of information out.

There's a whole volcano full of lava ready to explode in this brain but for now, I will put a pin in that one.

Moving on;

I saw a quote yesterday that said:

"You can be fully fighting for your life & people will only notice that you're not showing up for them the way they want."

It resonated with me so deeply.

There were certain people. 5 to be exact that I felt were important enough in my life to not hear the news of me being hospitalized from social media.

I asked my husband if he would reach out to 2 of them for me since I couldn't even think properly.

Their responses warmed my heart, especially one who was SUPER skeptical of our relationship. (she loves me fiercely, she protects me and tries to protect my own heart from itself)

I was able to reach out to the other 2 (the first was notified as I was in the car on the way) and their responses were a bit... Oh. Interesting.

Neither one asked how I'm feeling.

How I am.

How/if they can help in anyway.

The responses were jarring.

These people are people I love DEARLY.

There were no questions.

No follow ups.

Just statements being thrown at me.

Information I did not need or care to know in that exact moment.

Or at all to be quite honest.

I was at my lowest low.

Literal rock bottom.

Death’s door in more ways that one.

And I can't even get a "How are you doing? How are you feeling? Do you want to talk? I know how scary this must be for you. How can I help."

Nope.

I will not be actually writing out what the responses were because it will be too revealing but this is how I interpreted them:

"You almost died? Dang, that sucks. I'm sorry.

  Tell ME what happened.

Anyway, moving on past your medical crisis, this is what I'm doing! This other person is needing my help so I'm by their side, no questions asked.

  I'll pray for you."

I’m atheist.

Another one that started this whole blog off;

"Glad you are home.

 Wish I could help in some way." Never even asked IF there was a way or HOW they could help, just assumed they couldn't.

I don't want their money.

I don't want them to fly out here to help me physically.

I was hoping for their love, support, compassion and care.

A listening ear.

A conversation instead of being talked AT.

Instead of hearing "I'm glad you are this and that" based on what they are seeing on social media.

Reach out to me and ASK how I'm doing.

Do not assume.

I am not ok.

My situation was dire.

It is valid.

It was scary.

It does NOT take away or invalidate ANYONE else's experiences, their own pain, their own trauma, their own worries.

It is not a competition about who is falling apart more.

It's like what Thumper says "Don't have anything nice to say? Don't say anything at all."

What they said wasn't unkind, but it didn't leave any room for conversation.

It didn't leave any space for me to feel like I could share how I was feeling and what I went through without having what they are doing and who they are caring for brought to the table.

No one was talking about that person.

Yes, I know about that.

I reached out when I was told and asked if that person was ok and what was going on.

I didn't assume they were going to be ok.

My pain is valid.

Your pain is valid.

It's not a competition.

Your money struggles are valid.

My money struggles are valid.

It's not a competition.

I have always wondered if I didn't wake up one day would anyone even care or notice. Would anyone even be at my funeral? Who would even organize it?!

(That answer now is my husband as well as my fierce protector who reminds me my feelings, story and experience are valid. Her and I clung to each other like no other because we were feeling rejected by those that we thought loved us the most. Turns out, we loved each other more. We were each others support when no one else could be bothered or care enough. She's my complete opposite in almost every way but she’s, my soulmate. I got lucky to have 2. I have a soup snake and a soulmate.)

That experience made me realize I almost didn't wake up the next morning.

And if that would have happened, would those people have any regrets?

Wish there was more time?

More they would have said?

It opened my eyes to the fact that if I had died, I would have died with regrets.

With things left unsaid.

I would have wished for more time.

Moving on to a more positive tone and the ones I want to highlight for truly reaching out in a meaningful way.

Someone I have never met.

She is friends with my husband.

I consider her my friend as well, but we've never even met in person (YET!)

She was one of the first to check on me.

To TRULY check on me.

Ask how I am.

How she can help.

The help she was offering was to chat, if I wanted any show recommendations, saying she wished she lived closer so she could help more, asked how my kids are doing, if they are good.

This woman has 3 kids of her own that she is trying to raise but she is taking the time out of her busy day to ask how she can help me. It's the truest definition of a friend, when you are in crisis. Straight up, if you are reading this, you know who you, I LOVE YOU! I APPRECIATE YOU AND I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU IN PERSON and for our kids to get together to create tiny, powerful tornadoes ready to tackle this scary world! You are an INCREDIBLE mother, wife and friend!

I've also had someone I haven't spoken to in years, someone I'm the complete opposite of, reach out immediately.

They have opened up about their own personal current health crisis while not invalidating mine.

They asked how I am and how they can help.

They also have been letting me open up about my past marriage.

"You two seemed SO happy! I guess you never know what is going on behind the scenes."

Spitting straight facts over here!

They are receiving the information I'm giving about why I left, what was going on, how I am now, where I am in my current relationship and even asking to hear about the story behind us, while telling me the story behind their marriage. It's crazy similar, even the age difference.

Through this process I am finding my village, my tribe, my people. The ones that are filling my cup with just kind words, words of affirmation, love and support. I hope I can pour back into theirs just as much because I'd never want to deplete someone else’s without replenishing it.

So with all of this said and all of that off my chest;

Thank you so much to those that love me unconditionally.

Thank you so much for those that actually allowed conversation to continue between us.

Thank you for being open and honest about your own medical struggles in a way that doesn't invalidate, take away from or make it seem like they are more important than mine.

You are loved.

You are seen.

You are valid.

Your struggles, your experiences, your thoughts, ideas and feelings.

They are all valid. I see them. I hear them. I'm here with a listening ear.

-The Messy Hippie

“Are you okay?”

Eat something.

Did you eat today?

Take care of yourself!

Self care!

Put your own mask on before helping others.

The list goes on and on of the things we as women are told we need to be doing.

I cannot take care of me, when I’m also taking care of all of you.

On top of making sure we have money, bills are paid, food in our house, happy, healthy kids, laundry, cooking, school activities, etc.

That list also goes on and on.

But we are told constantly to take care of us….

Ok you expect me to take care of everything plus me… who is taking care of me? Who is helping me? Who’s making sure I’M the priority? Oh, I’m supposed to also do that part myself?

Ok. Noted.

Survive.

Pull yourself up.

Get back on the horse.

Self care!

Reality;

Tries to take shower, kids crying for you.

Kids need to eat.

Spouse has to poop.

Where did you put the can opener?

What should I make them for dinner?

Do we have the ingredients for that?

Shoot.

Gotta go to the store.

Knock, knock.

Oh shoot, what do they need this time?

Ok “crisis” averted;

Back to the shower.

Wash the hair.

Wash the face.

Oh, remember to add milk to the list!

Remember you need eggs! Shoot do we have cheese for tonight’s dinner?

How much is in my account? Can I cover the cheese?

Or do I need to pick something cheaper.

What do we have?

Oh!! I have to send those checks for the milk for school!

Ok, focus, shower.

Self care.

Wash body.

LIBRARY BOOKS are OVERDUE! How much am I being charged? How many days over due?!

Lunches! Do they need packed lunches this week?

Remember to check.

Are enough pjs clean for the next 2 nights?

Survive.

Focus on the important tasks.

Prioritize.

Oh crap, did I pick up some more coffee for him for the morning?

Add to mental list.

Oh. Waters getting cold now.

Shave quickly as a Hail Mary self care moment.

Just so you can say that’s done.

Checks removing all hair from body off list.

Cool. K. Rinse time.

When I get out, I need to start this load of laundry, I need to go work.

Oh taxes!

Cell phone bill is due!

How much do I have.

Oh, just short.

Ok, get out, get dressed, get the girls settled then go work a bit to cover that bill.

Just survive.

Just make it through today.

Remember to brush your teeth too!

Knock, knock.

Almost done.

Turns off shower, gets out.

Grab towel, throw it on, brush teeth quick!

Take a deep breath. That’s your self care.

Oxygen.

Prepare for everything everyone outside this door needs from you.

One last deep breath.

Ok. I’m ready.

Opens door.

Mom! I need this!

Mom! She said I’m mean!”

Mom! She touched me!”

Mom, can I have a snack?

Oh, can I take a play bath?!

Let’s play dress to impress!

Let’s turn off all the lights and run around playing a tag game (so fun) with gems.

You be the monster!

Or pretend to be the kid.

Pretend I’m the mom!

Deeeeep breaths.

My love, I just stepped out of the shower.

Can I at least get underwear on first?

Prioritize the never-ending list in your head.

Yes, you can have a snack, can you just play that game with your sister? I have so many things to do and I need to work. I’ll play later. What do you want for dinner?

Stop fighting with your sister.

Be kind please.

Show love or tell her you need space.

Go take a moment in your room if you need to.

Do not take out your own emotions on her.

Now can I get dressed?

Puts on clothes.

Deeeep breaths.

So. Much. To. Do.

So. Many. Needs.

Ok, I’m dressed.

You got a snack? Awesome baby girl! Way to go! Proud of you for doing it yourself! High five!

Reassurance.

Affirmations.

Positive reinforcement.

Teaching independence.

Other kid good?

Oh yeah, she’s napping from a long day at school.

Good.

Rest my love.

Ok, fooooocus.

Cheese. Do we have cheese? How much is in my account?

Ok no cheese.

I have enough to cover it. Sweet.

Should I blow dry my hair or just throw on a hat?

What’s the temp?

Brrrrr! Bundle time.

Crap! Are my only pants that fit me even CLEAN?

Nope. Ahhhhh.

Throw those in the wash.

Ok. Hair. No wait. Write down to get coffee!

Oh, are the school books due too?

Remember to pack those tonight!

Water bottles. Clean? Yay!

Lunches, I’ll deal with that later.

Deep breaths.

Oh, I wanted to work on this idea I have!

Maybe tomorrow.

Too busy.

Hair? Dry it?

How much time do I have?

K. None.

Hat.

Hey y’all good with this idea for dinner?

Cool.

I’ll get the cheese while out.

Oh, right and milk. Bah! And coffee!

K. I’ll go try to work then grab that stuff if I make enough and be back by 7:30. Baths tonight. Are pjs clean?

No! Crap!!!

My pants are in the wash! Those will wait.

Check on Tiny, sleeping. Phew.

How the princess?

Snack and Roblox!

Good!

Ok, I’m gonna go finish getting ready.

Gets ready, spouse walks in door.

Yay!!! Let me kiss that face all over!

MWAH!

Ok tell him you are getting coffee and milk.

Oh, Tiny’s up.

Snack?

Of course!

Fresh fruits? Yes ma’am!

Gets fruit, rinses.

Oh! Babe! This is my plan of action this evening…. Lays out plan.

Ok. That’s done. He’s on the same page.

Communication.

Delegate.

Oh, the Princess heard he’s home. She’s coming in for the hug. Awwww. I love their bond.

Go play dress to impress with her, I got the fruit.

Gets fruit prepped. Here ya go Tiny, I love you!

Ok.

Where am I, what is happening?

What was my next task?

Ugh. Wasting time!!

Pull out phone to check temp.

Doom scroll.

Crap! I need to go work!

Where are my shoes?

These socks will have to do.

Yeah, those are so different in texture, your SPD is going to be SCREAMING but it’s all that I can find that’s clean.

Sad Panda.

Gah, I loathe wearing socks.

Peace. Love. Bare Feet.

This is actually a decal I made for my van years ago.

You an take the southern girl out of the south, but you can’t the southern out of the girl.

That’s how I roll.

But alas, you live in the arctic. 🥶

You chose this life.

You wanted to stay!

Deal! Bundle and deal!

Ok ready to go. Give all the hugs and kisses.

Grab cheese immediately for dinner then come back to drop off. Then turn mom brain off. They are safe and taken care of and loved beyond measure.

Bye everyone, have a good evening!

Oh! Keys!

Where’s my wallet? Ah. Which jacket was I last wearing?

Tick, Tick, TICK.

The clock is just ticking away. So much time wasted! So much lost money opportunities.

BRAIN! FOCUS!!!!!

WALLET!

Phew found it.

Ok… Phone. Phone. Phone. Where is my phone?!

Rips clean house apart.

Ok it’s still in the shower from the tiny moment of ‘self care’ you tried to take and listen to your music.

Goes to grab phone.

Gotta pee again.

Peel off layers.

Pee.

Wash hands. Layer back up. Oh, I need to refill my meds! I’m out! Don’t forget!

Ok time to go.

Bye guys! Love you! Teamwork makes the?!

DREAM-WORK!

Yas! Kisses. K bye for real!

Walks out door to car.

Where is my phone?!

That is what it’s like to exist in my brain on the daily.

Self care?!!! Yeah right.

Take care of me?!

Eat?!

Do you see the list I had and the struggle to get a few things crossed off.

You think I’m squeezing self care in there?!

No.

Even the most basic thing like medication is on the back burner.

“Survive. Survive. I don’t know the last time I felt truly alive.” -Kyle Hume

That’s how women end up on literal deaths door trying to POUND it down with her tiny fist.

Her physical being is betraying her and although she can FEEL it, she can’t do anything about it. Too many other people need her immediate attention.

Get them stable then you can focus on you.

BAM, very likely on the verge of heart failure right now.

You, ok?

I don’t know.

Yes? No?

Imma say yes so I can move along with my day. Too many tasks.

Can’t even stand up straight. Weird. Oh well. 95lbs?! Geez.

I must be doing more physical work?

I’ll try to take it easier.

Sleep?! Bahaha. What’s that. I’ve been up for 20 hours straight.

I got 4 interrupted hours of sleep last night.

My brain won’t shut off.

WHILE WORKING;

Geez my heart is beating SO fast.

The bitter cold is gonna kill me!

Go away wind! Too. Cold.

Always. Cold.

Wait is that blood? Is it dripping down my legs?! Get to the car as fast as possible. Don’t fall. Ugh. You still have 2 more bags to carry up. I wish that man would just grab them for me.

I’m so cold.

This driveway is so long.

Out of breath.

Made it halfway up.

Finally, he’s gonna take the bags.

Can’t breathe.

Make it to car.

Don’t pass out here. Don’t do it.

Heart rate slow down!

Get in car.

Deeep breaths.

Self care? Ha.

Mmmmm. I’m not ok.

Yeah, I’m off.

I’m sweating so much but I’m so cold.

My stomach feels concave!

How am I only 95lbs?!!! (Updated on 2/2/25… 92lbs, but I know why now! On the mend.)

Gah. I’m eating; enough.

Take a few days to relax.

Focus on your dreams for a second.

Writing.

Oh, this feels right. This makes sense.

This is my next career path.

But this is also MY form of self-care.

This is my escape.

I need this in my life in some fashion.

I almost died due to excessive blood loss from my menstrual cycle.

My hemoglobin got so low I needed a blood transfusion.

That is how low I got.

That is how little care I took of myself.

But do you see why?

All the things weigh on my heart, my head, my body.

Throw in the outside world. All that is happening out there. YOU CAN’T TAKE ON THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD!

I want to be in my happy bubble.

I don't have time to self care.

What even is self care?

A SHOWER?! Yes, if I'm in severe depression and that is all I can do that day. Then YES.

But in general.

As a typical form of self-care.

No.

It's a shower. That is one of those basic, essentials for hygiene.

A shower does not fill my cup, especially when there are million things to do.

A bath? Yes, if it is quiet and relaxing and dark.

Eating also does not fill my cup. It fills my belly and is essential for survival but that's it for me.

But basic fundamental things to exist as a human being are not forms of self-care.

Period.

But as women we are told that is what our form of self care should look like.

Squeeze in a shower or brush your teeth before you tackle the day with all the humans who are starting at you in anticipation for what's next.

This isn't to say, ALL women do not view a shower as self-care.

Some for sure do!

But the point is, we can't get our truest form of self-care that works for us, if we don't have anyone in the back of house to pick up what we can't carry anymore or even lighten the load by taking half themselves.

We also, would like for our partners, our village, our support to not only help when asked, but to not even need to be asked.

Please, do not distract me from my task to ask what you can do to help.

Thank you, but honestly, you figure it out.

Or. And this is where things come into focus in my relationship.

I need my partner to notice when things are getting a little wonky and I'm getting overwhelmed. I need for them to assess what needs to be done themselves before even asking me.

Maybe find a task you can do and just start doing it.

Or figure out the task, stop your spouse from her spiraling thoughts, make her take a deep breath to center and focus on you.

Then tell you what task you will complete.

"Hey, I see you have this under control, I'm gonna go tackle this task."

Or if you cannot see what needs to be done or how you can be of help,

Again, stop her, break her concentration just enough to make her focus on you. More deep breaths.

Then ask her if there is a task, she needs your help with at this moment.

I guarantee you will be getting a much kinder, warmer, softer response and you probably will even be assigned a helpful task!

That is a part of building your partner up so they feel confident and comfortable saying they need a minute to ground or take a breath and get away from the noise, the chaos.

There's always chaos.

So they are able to get away and actually do what they feel will fill their cup.

To fulfill their own self-care in the way that will actually benefit them.

For me, it's writing.

I have now attached a note to the door anytime I'm in the zone (AutoZone!) so my golden retriever husband doesn't come in and accidentally distract me simply because he loves being near me.

The way that man will just bound through a door like a legit puppy that just saw their owner walk through the door is THE most endearing thing about him.

But sometimes we have to say, I love you, but leave me alone.

I need time to myself and this is how I need to take it so I feel my cup is full so I can fill your cup and the kids cups and the worlds cups.

Give us space, freedom and autonomy to be able to figure out our own Self-Care path.

Offer, don't assume.

Ask specific questions instead of "are you okay?

Be patient and give us time please.

This brain is at capacity.

Now I’m speaking directly to you reader. Whoever you are. If there is someone reading this;

If you are, I LURV YOU.

Take care of you in whatever form that is.

And I'm not talking about just the fundamental, essentials.

I mean, fill your cup doing your hobbies, reading, taking a bath or even shower if it's going to actually fulfill you and your brain.

Do not deplete yourself to the point of no return.

Speak up and out with your partner about your needs and how they can fit into the equation.

You are loved;

You are important.

You are valid.

You deserve to be here, to take up space and to exist, happily, in your own way, in this world.

You are allowed to demand respect, expect help when you desperately need it and to have autonomy over your own medical decisions and health. But more on that another time.

-The Messy Hippie

Perspective; It saved me…

Perspective; It saved me.

^this is an important addition "I am adding this on 2/18/25; Perceptive. I wrote this mere hours before I almost lost my life not only to the physical shell I had become due to not taking care of me, but also due to my own thoughts. It got dark. It got dirty… in more ways than one… It got scary. Ask. For. Help. You are worth it. Also, Medication is necessary. Find a way to get it. Dig into any and ALL resources that may be available to ensure you never run out or can’t afford to get more, because they are saving your life. Lastly, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. I’m alive. I’m healing physically and mentally slowly but surely, I will not only be alright, I will be thriving soon. I can feel it in my sick, hunched over, barely visibly human, on the verge of no longer existing physically along with being gone mentally already, body, mind and soul. Full story about this entire situation in all the stripped down raw (RAW) details coming eventually… just kidding; soon! -TheMesssyHipppie

 You've dug yourself out of deeper holes.

You've been on a bathroom floor like this before.

You were in a deeper hole than you are now.

You've been here before and now look at you.

There is at least $1 in my bank account at the moment. It may even be $2 if you count the literal cents in my savings.

But do you know what.

I was sitting at my divorce hearing, staring at a judge, who was staring back at me, then at the number on my bank statement, then back at me in horror and with genuine fear in his eyes.

The number he was looking at was in the negatives.

That was just 1 year and 7 months ago.

Now, it’s in the GREEN!

I call that a win.

Perspective.

But seriously;

Even Patrick from SpongeBob was thrilled about his $3 and displayed it proudly.

Why shouldn't I do the same with my $2!

Together, Patrick and I could buy one of those $5 Meal Deals on the McDonald's app. Woohoo!

So, although we'd be poor, at least we'd have fully tummies! You really can't beat that in this economy.

Affirmations with self deprecation and humor are how I get through life on planet earth.

And Tiny Hippie hugs.

They are my fuel.

They power my Mighty watch so I can turn into a Mighty Lioness when my family needs me to.

We call them "Tiny Hippie" (but we use her real name) hugs and she LOVES to use them to uplift, soothe and heal her family’s soul.

They are her magic power.

If you've ever had one, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

If you haven't; I'm so sorry; Let me explain it to you.

Close your eyes and imagine if you will, the tiniest of hippies weighing in at, still under 40lbs, at almost 7 years old... 5-point harness for life? Is that a thing? Lol.

A little Car Seat safety humor for ya. ^fun fact about me; I'm a huge advocate for car seat safety and have always wanted to, but never had the time (8-hour class, stay-at-home mom to a military spouse... excuses, excuses, I know, but y'all my life was literally about surviving second by second in those days. An hour class was never feasible for me.)

Sad Panda.

JK

I was just happy with the knowledge I learned from the community of women equally as passionate as I was about this very important topic that I found on Facebook.

Shout out to you CarSeat Safety on Facebook!

Y'all were my North star during my earliest of days as a mother.

The amount of time I spent, disassociating from my life, totally consumed by the posts, the photos, the info cards, the visuals, the pure love the admins had, the knowledge, the structure to be able to pause a post to ensure the person in dire need of assistance is not only seen, but validated in a safe, non-judgmental space. It was all beautifully constructed and incredibly helpful.

The amount of children’s lives you all have saved by ensuring the proper and most up to date, scientifically accurate information was being presented.

I remember you all also made sure there was no misinformation being spread.

If there was, admins put an immediate stop to it and provided the correct, accurate and most up to date information available at the moment.

The number of women, moms, like me, who were just lurkers but were soaking up the information like a sponge. Think about them, us, me.

We were provided the best information in a palpable and quick method.

As a busy, but also; incredibly depressed; incredibly devoted; and incredibly thirsty for all the knowledge to ensure my daughter was being raised to be the strongest, most fierce, independent girl, young woman, woman and possible mother one day, brand new mom at 30 years old, thank you.

Thank you for giving me the knowledge.

I took it and confidently shared it with any and everyone who was even slightly receptive to the information being provided.

Think of the reach you had.

I was a military spouse, in a get me out of this humidity before I melt away into oblivion, state (ironically my home state), who just survived an entire summer pregnant with a baby born at the end of August... I was a Violet turning into a blueberry puffy by the end... it wasn't my best look. Ha-ha., stay-at-home, first-time mom with no real close role model on how to be a mom in my daily life at 30 years old.

I desperately needed guidance and you all were there to provide it to many a quiet lurker such as myself, so thank you from all of us.

Ha. I thought I was doing a great job staying on topic this time...

What can I say,

It's real.

It's raw.

It's messy y'all.

Welcome to the show.

PERSPECTIVE;

That was me yelling at my self to focus on the point.

That word is literally written as the title of this notepad document...

Yes, I use notepad ok.

I can't do fancy.

Even Applebee’s is out of my league right now.

I'm on a $5 Meal Deal budget... pshh... who am I kidding?!

I'm not even THAT bougie right now.

I'm more of a, "Oh I can get a large fry with a large sweet tea for only $2.10?!"

Done.

"Oh, I have enough points to get a FREE, LARGE fry today?!"

HUZZAH!

"Hmmm. $1.29 large fry today?"

Yummy! 5 ketchups please.

I'm only going to use 3 tops, but for some reason, I ALWAYS need to order 5 for a large.

And 3 for a medium.

"You're weird."

I know.

Yeah, so that's the phase in life I find myself at 39.

Now, if you stuck around this long and aren't rolling your eyes at how much I'm complaining about the amount in my account, (brain orgasm. I LURV alliteration.) or pointing out the exact costs of the cheapies I get at McDonald's for lunch when I'm out working;

Here is where the perspective comes in.

I may only have $2 in my bank account at this very moment, (I honestly don't know the exact amount) but I know more is coming tomorrow.

I know I chose a job that I can go out in a few hours and make enough to increase my bank account by at least a dollar or 2 because I bet on me a year and a half go.

I'm incredibly lucky that I've been able to not leave my home for days, except when necessary for hippie kids school activities, and just focus solely on writing. I have a plethora of information, ideas, notes, voice recordings.

Ideas... oh I already said ideas...

But for real... SO many ideas. So many plot points. So many topics I want to touch on. So many stories.

I feel like I've been bottling up a lifetime worth of life experience for this exact moment in my life.

To be able to sit here at 3:13 AM Monday, February 17, 2025, on my couch, in my quiet living room with nothing on but the floor lamp to illuminate my keyboard.

This is what every experience, every person, every move, every event, small or large.

Every milestone.

My children’s milestones.

My heartbreaks... yeah, they’ll be coming... eventually.

      GERD YOUR LOINS! Ha.

      Just kidding. I’ll be nice… to those who deserve it.

^Breaking 4th wall? Here. There is one specific part of my past. The one I left in May, 2024. The one that left me at my darkest and lowest point in life, almost unable to function as a normal human being… yeah. There are some parts of that story that I simply will never feel comfortable telling. Period. But there are some parts that are important to highlight that have negatively affected my life and will be incredibly difficult to write about so those will not be provided for free.

Those posts will be behind a pay wall for my own safety, sanity and general humanity. More alliteration. Happy Dance.

But those stories are tucked away in my brain, only slightly out of reach, until the right time presents itself to process them through my writing.

Moving on;

My tragedies.

In a heavily deep-rooted military town where if you managed to not marry someone in the military, any branch, no matter your gender, it was almost “bless your heart” worthy.

I know, I know. Big words in the south. I know. Trust me. They apply here. Lol.

This isn't a dig at my hometown at all by the way.

My hometown is like one of my people.

The ones that I can say "negative" things about but no one else can because I'm coming from a place of love.

The people my mama bear comes out for.

The people I will fight to the death for.

That is my personal relationship with my hometown.

It's my roots were first planted. It's where I lived for the first 23 years of my life and again for another 3.5 years right as I was entering the world of motherhood.

Literally, we bought a house in the outskirts of my hometown after getting stationed there again... I won't lie. There were many, many, many tears when I got the news we were going back. I hadn't healed at all from my 23 years there so I wasn't ready to go back but I had to.

I was a military wife.

Hurry up and wait was nothing compared to being told to not only hurry up and wait, but also, put your life on hold constantly, then be told where to go at a moments notice with very little time to process and prepare.

Don't want to go back to the place that houses 98% of your trauma at the time?;

There was way more to come.

Oh, sweet Ashley.

The move back was just the beginning of one of the wildest rides of your life.

                Buckle up girlfriend, it's gonna get bumpy.

Oh well.

You are a military wife!

^CAVEAT^ This is MY own personal experience as a military spouse. It does not reflect the opinion, experience or feelings of any other military spouse. It is not meant to invalidate ANYONE’S experience. This is my own personal spin on that time in my life. My opinion only. Military Spouses are my people. I was one for 14.5 years. Nothing but respect, love, hopefully some laughs and some relatability for ya. You are seen. You are valid. You matter. You are allowed to take up space in the world, in your home, in your community. You are allowed to be an individual. Fight to keep that. You are worth it.

You “persevere”!

Sit down, look presentable, have the babies, smile, smile, smile.

   <-!-> <-!-> <-!-> <-!-> <-!-> <-!-> <-!-> <-!-> <-!-> <-!->

Do as you are told.

Go where you are told.

You, you as a person.

As a human being.

Yeah, you don't exist anymore.

Welcome, here's your husband’s social security number.

Memorize it.

That is your identity now.

Congratulations!

Best part of all, you'll NEVER be able to forget it! Been separated from that part of my life for 2 years now...

XXX-XX-XXXX

Only X's but in my head, I just rattled off the entire social within seconds.

Once, at a car dealership, they needed to check MY credit as well.

We had a 2-year-old Hippie Princess in tow;

Tiny Princess was strapped nice and snug to my chest in our Boba wrap. Shoutout to the Boba brand,

commissionable link below.

https://amzn.to/3EV0vIH

Honestly best one I ever worn.

She was a mere 6 months old.

                An even tinier hippie.

We had been at the dealership all dang day.

We were all exhausted and over it.

The sun had set at that point...

I had a strict bedtime routine, schedule and time my kids would be in bed. 7pm. And bedtime routine took an hour. I was stressing.

But the moment the person who needed my info, asked what MY social security number was,

Immediately, without a fraction of a second passing, I was rattling off a number...

I was on auto pilot.

My life, my existence was on auto pilot.

I was looked at by my spouse at the time like I had 10 heads.

I was SO confused.

"What?"

"That's MY social."

"Ooooh." Smile. Smile. Smile.

 Giggle, giggle, giggle.

"Military wife. You know how it is. Ha-ha;

 “This is mine. XXX, I think, wait."

Looks at spouse, am I saying mine or yours again?

"I think that's yours this time."

Cool. Cool. Cool.

It's XXX-XX-XXXX.

Finally, after 2 years, mine is starting to roll of my tongue more naturally again;

So, even though you never signed that contract, you no longer have autonomy over your own life.

WELCOME!

HUZZAH!

BE PROUD!

Smile, smile, smile.

Smile through it.

Cry in the bathroom. Just hold it in until you can be behind a closed door. Lock out the world and cry. Let it out. It's ok. You are alone and safe.

Just typing that has left tears streaming down my face.

It is 3:50 AM.

I haven't moved in an hour.

I'm comfy though.

I'm wearing my current husbands D&D robe.

It's thinner than mine so I like to wear it when I write.

I'm also wearing the cute and comfy pink slippers my wonderful mother-in-law got me for Christmas so my feet stay warm.

Fun fact about me;

I'm ALWAYS cold.

Ask my husband.

He got me a heated blanket and within weeks of having it, I broke the cord, like legit, sparks flying (real ones, not the Lovey-Dovey ones this time unfortunately) from the cord severing due to me closing that dang recliner.

I hate those couches. These couches.

Yes, even the one I'm currently comfortably sitting on... HMPH.

I'm allowed to feel both disdain and joy when sitting in them.

It's a private beef I have going with them at the moment...

That's a whole tangent I can NOT go on right now.

FOCUS;

To tie up the cord story, after much, much, much digging on the internet, reaching out to the actual company that makes the blanket (It's a more bougie blanket, about a replacement cord and being told they understand it's inconvenient, but they don't sell replacement cords... we found a cord that was the same plug style on eBay and immediately ordered it.

It works perfectly again.

Huzzah.

But also, blanket company.... come on... don't be one of those greedy cooperation’s only obsessed with money. It's not a good look.  

PERSPECTIVE;

So, I'm sitting on this couch I have personal beef with, in my warm and cozies, writing.

I should be sleeping.

It is 4:04 AM...

But I'm not ready for sleep.

My brain is still too full. 

Ok, get on topic; woman!

So, I can sit here, at this hour in my comfiest of clothes with my laptop open in my lap... ya know, where a laptop usually sits. Typically, they aren't stacked onto D&D books that are stacked onto a popcorn tin in your bathroom. Lol.

With my notepad open;

(One day I will have an authentic, old school type writer with the carrying case and all to write these on, but for now, notepad++ is where it's at.)

Old school, that's my vibe.

Writing.

Writing about my life.

Writing about my family.

Writing about my life experiences.

The good, the bad, the ugly.

The stripped down and raw version.

"RAW!" Hey Shermie. You're my favorite.

I can be exposed but also cautious and careful.

My next moves can be planned, thought out and calculated.

They can be business driven.

Purpose driven.

I can do all of this because I BET on me 2 years ago in late January, 2023.

I BET on me early June, 2023.

I BET on me in April, 2024.

I RESCUED MYSELF in early May, 2024

   Caveat ^I had SO much support and help by SO many. I'm forever thankful but I. RESCUED. ME.

I BET on me again in May, 2024.

Then I met my life partner at the end of May, 2024.

May, 2024... how many times can I say May, 2024 before it stops making any logical sense in my brain.

It's gonna be MAY.

Woah, Millennial brain just took over for a second.  

FOCUS;

I swear I'm trying to close this out and end it with a pretty bow but my brain is fighting me every step of the way.

Chill brain. Chill.

I need a Tiny Hippie hug. They always ground me.

Those tiny arms wrapped around my neck just right.

The perfect amount of pressure.

The tickle of her long, but incredibly thin, don't you dare lose one strand off that delicate head, she doesn't have enough to spare Bruh, on my nose.

^I want to caveat this with; She has no condition that causes hair loss or anything of that nature, this was just a joke between Shermbot and I about how thin her hair is. We are very delicate with it where as, we can just man handle the double coat hair that is a top Hippie Princesses head. DNA is weird.

My delicate, sensitive, dainty Tiny Hippie.

Those hugs could heal the sick.

I should know, they've healed me a time or two.  

Maybe I should wrap it up with, May, 2024, my life changed in more ways than I could have ever imagined.

The moment I stepped off the plane, I knew I was safe.

I knew I was home and working my way back to my new/old/true home and the tiny humans I created, grew, pushed out of me, as well as was surgically ripped open to save the life of, then nourished with my body as well as what modern science could provide, researched like a mad woman, lost all sense of myself for, focused on ALL things poop that involved those tiny humans from birth, (google is not kind. Tread lightly) gave myself anxiety trying to be the “perfect” mom like Kim on Yes, Dear, planned and executed activities to enrich their bodies, minds and soul multiple times a week, all while surviving off of a couple of hours of sleep at a time, so sleep deprived I fell asleep waiting for a bottle to heat up and fell into the counter, again.

Sometimes moms need to take care of themselves first. Sometimes they are so far past living in reality anymore, the only way out they see, leaves her children with no mother.

The Mighty Lioness will never allow that.

She will fight her own self, her own demons, her own thoughts. She will do what feels like the impossible and ask for help from the most likely of people. Putting down her walls long enough to explain the severity of the situation only to be told to go back and try harder.

To not abandon her children.

No. I didn’t know it yet, but that Mighty Lioness was already inside of me.

She was ready to break lose.

Fight anyone in her path.

Put her head down, ignore what others are assuming about her without taking even one second to listen. Listen to her pleas. Listen to her cries.

She’s scared.

She’s out of her element.

She needs to protect the mental wellbeing of everyone involved. EVERYONE involved. Including the person she is trying start a new life away from.

The effort.

The mental gymnastics.

No one will ever hear what I know, from me.

You are strong. You are seen. You are valid. You are heard. I see you. I hear you. My disdain for one has nothing to do with you. You are beautiful and incredible at everything you set your mind to. Everything you’ve accomplished. You are powerful.

She’s putting aside her humility.

She’s admitting defeat.

She’s surrendering while also trying to have an ounce of her own autonomy for once and make her decisions.

She’s asking for help. Please, just pick up. And help.

And now you want to put her back in that spot.

In that headspace. After she asked for neutrality…. Multiple times.

She almost slipped. But then her watch started beeping and it reminded her to Lioness up.

I deserved more but I have to have perspective and know I did THIS on my own. I got HERE by myself. Exactly like I said I would. I can look at my $2 with pride because I EARNED it, it’s mine, I owe nothing else. My debts are clear. 

Then I found my Aunt and I could finally breathe.

Well sort of.

I could finally breathe metaphorically because I was home, with one of my favorite humans to ever walk this earth.

But also, physically, it had been almost 5 years since I'd been back in NC with that mess they call humidity.

So, my lungs were taking a minute to catch up and adapt.

Don't worry, by the time I left NC to come back to WI, almost 2 months later, I was down probably 20lbs, the hair that had fallen out so significantly over the last year and 4 months, making it look like I was 2 months post partum again (It had been almost 6 years since I'd given birth...) was growing back fast, healthy and strong. My rosacea cleared up almost completely. That was just my physical appearance.

My mental health by the time I left.

Oh my gosh.

I was on a high of all highs.

I was working a ton, socializing, getting sun on my skin, feeling the summer breeze in a beautiful beach town. I was reconnecting with my family.

I was eating the most delicious food on the planet. Legit y'all. My Aunt's food is like Tiny Hippies hugs... it is magical. It could heal the sick.

Again, I know because it's healed me time and time again from the inside out.

I was falling so deeply in love Shermbot through voice memos, facetime, good morning videos with tapestries blowing over his face.

A bracelet phase I wanted to make into a business (shocker), coloring and sharing stories about my children and their incredible brains.

There was just so much laughter between us. Even with 1,000 miles between us.

I was watching my children develop lasting bonds with my family.

   Their family, they hadn't seen in 2 years in person.

Celebrating birthdays I had missed over the years.

Even more laughter and love.

So much love.

So. Much. Freaking. Love.

^I'm putting a pin in this for another post but, if you haven't felt love and acceptance from an authentic, genuinely incredible human that HAS given the clothes off her back, remembers everyone’s likes and dislikes with food (it's a catalog in that brain), will get in on an inside joke with an essential stranger that was sleeping in her home, to poke fun at me. They got me GOOD. Then go find one and just smile at her. She will notice immediately and strike up a conversation with you. It’s your in. A smile.

But also, I hope to be that for you. I hope to be your beacon of light for compassion and human decadency the way she is for me.

So, perspective.

I've been through it.

Money comes and goes.

It's a thing we invented to make our society expand and grow outside of our local communities. It is important, but it is not, and never will be the focal point of anything in my life. 

I am happier now, with $2 in my bank account than I ever was with thousands in it.

Perspective.

By the way, I left NC with not only a whole new life, perspective, vision, goal and path forward in life, but also a sort of new appreciation for old photographs... Especially those of strange men with dope mustaches.

Random fact about me, brought to you by:

-The Messy Hippie at 4:52 AM Monday, February 17, 2025

Teamwork, it makes the…

I have nothing to prove while feeling like I have everything to prove. The plight of a woman on a mission to motivate, inspire, encourage and be a bridge for the communities I love so deeply.

It is 7:14am on 2/15/2025.

I haven't slept.

My adrenaline has been at an all time high since 10:44 pm on 2/14/2025. The actual time of the event has its own digital footprint on my phone now showing this exact time as the moment my blog went live.

I was actually buzzing with pure elation over publishing my first blog.

Shermbot imitated the noises I was making during the most surreal moment of my life later and we ended up breathless from laughing so hard. 

Core memory.

<^+^> This is The Messy Hippie hours after starting this initial draft of this blog, this portion was added in this evening around 10:32pm, so the timeline may seem a bit off. I apologize for the inconsistency. Will be back on track soon. Lol. 

  *Also!

  Thank you to any and all that took the time to read; as well as those that have started to help me build my audience and career by following me on my new social media accounts that I'm not sure how to fully navigate yet, but I'm hopeful to become a pro at in no time.

  Your support means more to me than you will ever understand. Good out into the world equals; good coming back around like a boomerang to you. I am realizing even more how many incredible women and humans in general have had an impact on my life that may have felt small in the moment but now, processing years later, were actually quite significant, uplifting, inspiring and the reason I'm here right now able to sit in my bathtub listening to my favorite artists writing about my life.

  Thank you. Truly.

SQUIRREL; The point of me pointing out the time is because I'm sitting in my living room on my kids foam couch with ASMR playing on my tv, while my husband is getting much needed rest.

It snowed here.

So, as I'm sitting here, unable to sleep, full from a ham and turkey sandwich with mustard and potato chips, I'm writing.

As I'm writing I'm hearing the incredible Gina Whispers through my speakers.

I'm also hearing the plow scrape the snow and ice from the road just outside my house. 

Poor Shermbot. He's going to be shoveling tomorrow for our 90+ year old neighbor.

See. Much needed sleep.

She has started to give him $20 anytime he has to shovel or salt her portion of the driveway.

Our houses are connected and we essentially share a 2-car driveway. Of course, he's going to also include her portion while doing ours. Just in general, that's a work smarter not harder situation in addition to being a good neighbor and human being.

So, the $20 is never necessary but always appreciated. Especially right now with things going on sale for winter!

Bags of salt are on sale and he scored a new heavy duty snow shovel for only $7 with the money she gave him! We adore her.

That is one small way we give back to our community. To our people. To our village.

It requires no money (other than what would already be spent for our own winter supplies which are a part of the cost of living in the climate we do.)

Minimal extra physical effort on our part and it benefits us in all the ways.

 1. Our entire driveway is clear of snow and ice which could potentially make us or our children fall.

 2. It allows an elderly woman a safe way to still have her own autonomy. We often see her with her walker, shuffling across the driveway to her mailbox to check the mail then shuffle back to her cozy and warm home. That walk benefits her in a whole array of ways so if we can provide her with safety to do it, there are zero negatives in my opinion. 

 3. She sweetly insists on paying us to do the minimal extra work as well as get the supplies required to ensure the safety of all honestly. 

All I see are W's. Wins all around babe-EE! (I feel like my dad may have gotten a chuckle from that one. Oh, by the way, PREESH DAD. ☝🏻) ^Put a pin in this.

<^=^> <^=^> <^=^> <^+^> <^=^> <^=^> <^=^> 

"You're so weird."

I know.

"You need that energy drink like you need a hole in the head. Try a Xanax instead!"

Trust me. This energy drink is going to do nothing for my body. It's for my brain. It helps calm the constant racing thoughts.

"You're so weird."

I know. 

"Are you from NY? You talk so fast! Slow down!"

No, I'm from here (town in NC), I was working in, as a waitress actually. Born and raised. ^^Shrugs^^

I don't know what to tell you. The way I'm speaking to you feels unnatural as it is. I cannot simply slow down. I do genuinely apologize if it's too fast for you, would you like me to switch with another server? 

Daydreaming Messy Hippie, to man who decided the speed in which I speak is not acceptable; No? Ok then hush and keep up. I have a million and one thoughts going on in this tiny head including your very extensive order, which will be brought out to you correctly even though I didn't write it down. Do you want efficiency and a hot meal or a chit chat? I'm here to work, I'm getting paid $2.16 an hour, I need to get you in and out with efficiency in order to make any money at my job. So please, I beg of you. Make it easier on all of us and either treat this interaction as a business transaction or request a different server, if you can find one, who is willing to slow down their already slowed down speaking pace for you.

Before anyone screams at me about inclusivity. This is being inclusive. Why do I need to slow down how I speak for someone else to understand if there is someone who is more suited in maybe their own personal way of speaking.

Why am I constantly the one being pushed down into a box and being told to essentially hurry up and wait. (Military reference... Military spouse of 14.5 years. Old habits and all.)

And again, to circle back; 

"You're so weird."

I know. 

^^Shrugs^^

<^+^> <^+^> <^+^> <^=^> <^+^> <^+^> <^+^> 

I rose from the ashes of my old life not as a Phoenix but as a mighty Lioness.

Ready to protect her pride.

By her side is a mighty black Panther.

Ready with her claws to defend.

On the other side of her is the mighty White Wolf.

She is ready with open arms for all those that are ready to put down their weapons in the name of community, family and love.

Just in front, only steps ahead with his head on a swivel, stands the mighty Gorilla.

His body is large and powerful. He stands ready to defend his troop at a moment’s notice. Never one to let his guard down when outside of the safety of the family nest. 

Together we make up the weirdest, loudest, most neurodivergent family.

We are all different breeds and even species.

But together we all create the purrfect (I had to. He-he) team.

Team.

Partners.

Family.

That is what describes us.

A motto in our home is the very cliche' "Teamwork makes the dreamwork."

We even recite it in the cheesiest way.

It often starts with me saying "teamwork makes THE...." while I wait for whomever just completed the task at hand with, to answer "DREAM WORK!" 

I am a patient woman.

So, I will wait until I hear that DREAM WORK.

Even if I'm waiting for the mighty Gorilla to be the one to reciprocate. (He always reciprocates) 

I will wait. 

I never wait long though.

It's almost always expected for those words to come out of my mouth within moments of a completed task and my family knows it.

What good sports they are;

Teamwork makes THE? Say it with me y'all. Say it out loud in all it's cheesy but inspiring glory.

DREAM-WORK! WOOT WOOT!

If you actually just said it out loud, you just became a part of the family. Let me know what your mighty animal would be by tagging @themessyhippie on your socials! Let's build the best community together;

Another squirrel moment.

ADHD can be my superpower if I let it. Just gotta fight through the noise.

Back to the topic at hand; My family’s mantra of Teamwork makes the...

Although I do suspect they all secretly love it and can't wait to hear it. He-he.

The same goes for Hippie Princess.

Shermbot and I started our own sort of mantra and affirmation if you will for her.

It's simple.

To the point.

And truthful.

"We support you."

Starting out saying it to her left us up against much resistance on her part. We heard a lot of "ugh. Ok mooom. I know." "I know guys! You tell me that all the time!" in a snarky sarcastic tone to indicate she is so over us in that moment. But we don't stop. In fact, we often start to full on chant.

Don't worry, the child is spared and the chant only lasts for a few seconds before we erupt into laughter as she is rolling her eyes at how ridiculous her parents are. 

After some time, patience and general respect and understanding of our daughter, her needs as well as her limits. Hippie Princess admitted to us what we suspected all along; She secretly loves when we say we support her. 

I think we may have even gotten a request for another note in her lunch to remind her we support her.

We love a Princess who can say what she needs so confidently. My heart.

When you hear the saying;

"It's the little things."

Take a moment to really think about WHAT the little things are or even what they can be.

For our little messy family, when it comes to Hippie Princess specifically, the little things look like these: 

It's writing on a napkin in black sharpie that we support her to shove in the Ziplock bag that is also housing her pizza Lunchables, grape Kool-Aid Jammer and an Aldi Moo Tube along with an ice pack to keep it all cold... or at least room temp y'all. It's a struggle out here ok! Haha. 

    *Note- She does now have a very adorable, very Hippie Princess lunch box for our home that she picked out herself with Shermbot while her sister, Tiny Hippie, also has a her own, very... unique and very her lunchbox that is almost as large as her, also picked out with her funny step dad Shermbot. (Her words, not mine. It's like she loves him or something. Weird. He-he)

It's taking the time out of a busy evening after dinner has been eaten, showers have been had, backpacks ready to go, to play a game of Guess Who or Mouse Trap. 

To watch a video of her new favorite character she has discovered on her own because she is cultivating her own personal interests even though it makes very little sense to me and then finding a “how to” draw said character online and creating my own personal Valentine's card for her with a drawing of that character. 

I'd give myself a solid A- for the time constraint I had as well as the lack of properly sharpened colored pencils and having to watch the video on my tiny phone screen instead of on my large laptop screen like usual when I'm attempting to keep up with the artists in my family and work on my drawing skills. 

To play a game of Dress to Impress... or let’s be honest, multiple games of Dress to Impress on a Saturday morning while sipping your morning coffee with the night owls in the family still resting peacefully, completely undisturbed by the unique bonding experience you've cultivated with your step-daughter.

Those are just some of the little things we do to let Hippie Princess know she is loved, she is safe, she is cared for and she can unmask in our home. She can be her authentic little weird brained self here because we support her.

So, to tie this together with teamwork because it makes the...

DREAM-WORK! 

When we pour into our daughter.

When we water the seedling then the sprout, we have patience, we trust the process and we truly cultivate our relationship with our children, we are able to start to see the fruits of our labor. They are healthy and beautiful and although not ready to be picked and sent off to explore new lands, cultures, religions, love, passion, hobbies and careers... 

(Ok that went a little off the rails with the metaphor but it works in my brain so it shall stay. I'm sorry if that one loses you or starts a hyper focus moment, it's ok to just move along or take a break and circle back. Ha-ha. I still appreciate you for sticking around!)

We get the recognition that we are on the right path. What we are saying is penetrating her mind in a season of rapid change within her own being.

She hears us.

She feels the love and appreciation and pours back into us. Into our family. Into our team. 

The saying may be cheesy but it's true. Teamwork truly makes the dream-work and when it's all hands on deck, working together, everyone using their own strengths and tools, trying to reach the same goal but in their own unique way, the mental and physical load of life is distributed evenly between everyone in the family so if one needs to rest, take a mental health break or physically cannot complete the tasks at hand, the rest of the family, the rest of the team, is not only willing to but also has the capacity to take on the other role temporarily. 

Not every day will be 50/50. Honestly, I'd bet you'd be hard pressed to think of a day where the mental and physical load of daily life is TRULY 50/50.

It's just not feasible nor efficient. 

We all have our own strengths, our own weaknesses, our own shortcomings.

Part of finding a partner is to have someone to lean on when you can only give 1%, if that. And that 1% is a struggle but they are trying. They are fighting. To know your partner, your team member. The person you chose to enter into the running of your entire life with is there by your side, having your back, holding your hair, is able and willing to pick up whatever percentage it is to just let us survive the day. Whether that is giving 2% or giving 99%. Knowing they have your back 100% of the time is what it means to have found your true-life partner. 

I found mine in Shermbot and I'm thankful for that every single day of my life. 

Ending this portion of the blog at 8:52am^

^Until he comes out at 9am panicked asking if you are ok with both his thumbs up in the air, breaking the concentration you had reading over everything you just read.

It's Real.

It's Raw.

It's messy Y'all.

Speaking of messy... 

Shermbot said to me one day... not a clue what day it was... Shermie? He-He 

"Oh! I forgot to take out the recycling today!" 

But I'm over here like; "Oh. I had no clue it was supposed to go out today! It's fine, it can wait another week."

Reader Shermie, is it once a week or every other week?

Logistical.

Your court.

Backing out now.

^Zack kiss. ^ 

Trash is solely his job in our household. 

Judge if you want, it works for us. 

It's how we make the dream-work out of the teamwork. 

Bow. The pretty hair tie. All tied together nicely. 

Bow. In front of an audience for a job well done.

Until next time my beautiful friends; remember you are valid, worthy and important.

-The Messy Hippie. (the rainbow and peace)

Welcome to a safe place.

The Messy Hippie.

Hi! I'm Ashley Ylvisaker, the messy hippie. Nice to meet you! I would like to start this off with my sincerest gratitude to you for being here. Whatever it is that brought you here, thank you for coming into my tiny space of the internet where you can be your most authentic self.

You are doing an incredible job, even if you feel you are just surviving right now. Simply making it through every day as a human being on planet earth is exhausting and should be something that is celebrated. You did it. You made it and YOU matter here.

Affirmations are so important to me. I started them with my now 8.5-year-old daughter (she'll be 9 in August! HOW!) before she was 2. Pretty much from the moment that kid said her first word, I made SURE the rest of the first few words she knew were ones that provided her with confidence, value and self love.

"I am beautiful."

"I am smart."

"I am kind."

"I am brave."

"I am strong."

"I am silly."

Those were the affirmations I started teaching my toddler from the moment she could speak.

That was also the order in which I would have her recite them, which looking back now on, I do have one regret with this.

That I STARTED the affirmations with her physical value.

She was a toddler, so I give myself grace, besides, she was, in my completely unbiased opinion, THE most beautiful child I had ever laid my eyes on so my mind always was in awe of her beauty.

I know I shouldn't let any single regret take away from what I provided to my toddler during the beginning of her most formative years but it's so easy to let doubt slip in to places it has no right to be.

So, get out of here negativity! I did a good thing! I'm a great mom!

I actually have a little video of her trying to watch a Halloween episode of Blippi. It was her favorite one. The moment the song came on with the Dracula character, she would be entranced. There was no breaking that concentration.

Alas, her mom tried and I'd give myself a solid B for the effort put in vs the quality. Lol.

So, there this 2-year-old is, with her giant head, filled with the most summer sun kissed golden blonde hair, entranced fully in the song. Fingers moving to the beat, a little "tick, tick, tick" can be heard from her adorable chubby cheeked face. When suddenly her mom decides to whip out the camera to record some of her affirmations, while sitting on the floor cross legged, with her infant sister in her lap. There was much "focus on mommy, say it with me "I am smart, no SMART. I am smart... focus... I am kind. I am brave.""

Why I decided that was the perfect moment to capture the magic that are affirmations, is beyond me.

Even all these years later. Lol. Let’s just call it sleep deprived mom brain shall we. He-he.

That video is one of my most cherished.

Side tangent incoming: Ya know, today is actually Valentine’s day and my 8.5-year-old, we will call her, Hippie Princess, has her first "boyfriend". That kid planned out, then picked the perfect gifts for her while his mom allowed him total control over his gift choices and drove him to her dad’s house to let him give her the valentine's stuff and ask if she would be his valentine. Baby Daddy (don’t worry, he’s my bestie now, this is just for privacy reasons to not reveal anyone’s identity) sent me a video.

My heart was exploding with pure joy and pride as she nervously, graciously and somehow confidently, accepted his gifts as well say yes to being his Valentine. When I was able to FaceTime with her, she was so giddy and proud to show off her sweet surprises. More exploding of my heart inside of my chest.

We highly approve of the first boy to enter Hippie Princess’s heart.

His mom is doing the most incredible job raising the kindest young man.

All the kudos to you mama. (I did personally reach out to her already)

Back to the topic at hand.

I was able to look back on the video I referenced earlier about affirmations with Hippie Princess and could look at it from fresh eyes, with a fresh perspective.

I gave her space to keep watching and singing her video while trying to also squeeze in a few affirmations. The balance was good in my opinion. I'd probably even bump my own grade up to a solid A for effort while still allowing her to concentrate on what SHE was wanting to focus on.

Then you hear baby Tiny Hippie sneeze.

My precious. (that one is for you Shermbot)

I started on affirmations with Tiny Hippie before she was even able to comprehend what I was saying. I needed to make sure I instilled confidence in her from the moment she was born. Her entrance into this crazy world was one that left me with major PTSD, her needing to be revived and a 9 day stay in the NICU. That story will be for another time. Buckle up, it's a doozy.

Hers were much of the same:

"You are beautiful."

"You are smart."

"You are goofy."

"You are kind."

"You are important."

"You. are. loved."

Always ending Tiny Hippies with "you are loved" felt very important to me for some reason.

I can look back and wonder if it was me projecting a bit because I never felt true, unconditional love. From anyone until I had my children. The second they were born I understood unconditional love.

I had it for my children and they have it for me.

But I also think I needed to include that in hers because it took me longer to fully fall in love with Tiny Hippie than with Hippie Princess. I know it was because of her birth and everything that was surrounding that. I wasn't able to fully connect with her until one specific moment I actually have a photo of.

It was one night when she was being extra fussy and I was sitting in her glider rocking her, trying to calm her little body to help her sleep.

I was personally so sleep deprived I was just going through the motions until one single moment. I don't know what prompted it. I don't what happened, but something clicked and I suddenly fell so deeply in love with this tiny human I was holding I had to grab my phone to capture the moment for memories. I actually printed it, and it has existed on my refrigerator in 3 homes now.

That deep, unconditional love I developed that day has not waned even once. In fact, it's grown stronger over the years. That kid is my best friend.

Yes, a 6-year-old is my bestie.

We just get each other on a level no one else does. I understand her brain and how it works. I understand her emotions, her quite obvious struggles with ADHD and her intense need for the racing thoughts to stop so she can sleep.

I get all of that because I experience them all as well.

Now, I'd like to caveat this by saying, I have just as special and unique of a bond with Hippie Princess. It's equally as important and although I personally struggle more with understanding her brain, it just makes me fight harder to really relate, empathize and understand where she is coming from on things. BUT that does not negate my unconditional love and admiration for her. She is my heart.

I love them equally, but I have different relationships with each and that is valid, beautiful and acceptable.

Now, I'm speaking to you, the reader. If this portion resonated with you, tell yourself the same things.

Each relationship with each child of yours is unique, special, important, valuable and different from the rest but it does not mean you love or prefer or even favor one child over the other.

I've been told I favor Tiny Hippie but it's simply not true.

From an outsider’s perspective I can sort of see why someone would say that, but I don't.

She needs more from me than Hippie Princess does and that is just a fact.

She needs someone that gets her on the level I do.

Hippie Princess has so many other people, including 2 other parents, her dads, (I hope this makes Shermbot and Baby Daddy giggle if they are reading this) that get her brain in a way I cannot.

I also understand Tiny Hippie’s brain in a way they cannot.

It's a delicate balance and I try not to let outside assumptions cloud my own thoughts, however, I do listen, take in the information and analyze if I need to change anything to ensure Hippie Princess isn't perceiving things that way (Including speaking to her personally about it) but I actively work at not letting it infiltrate my thoughts and how I parent.

Moving on.

Speaking of Valentine's Day, on the topic of affirmations. I remember finding a post about cutting out hearts on paper and writing down one thing you loved about your child every day on a separate heart from Feb 1st-14th. I did that when Hippie Princess was an infant. I remember sticking the hearts to her bedroom door and each morning I would pull one off and read it to her. She had no clue what I was saying or why I was doing that but I did it anyway and I'm so grateful I have those memories. I did try to keep it up after I had Tiny Hippie by doing both doors but I often would forget then it fizzled out. But it was truly a great idea I’m so happy I found in that time in my life.

Thank you to whoever it was that helped it end up on my screen during that phase in my life. You helped me in ways you’ll never know.

Looking back though, it was obviously not for her, since she didn't understand, it was more for me, but it is what I needed in that moment to survive. To survive the endless days as a stay-at-home mom to a man in the military with a baby who seemed to just wish she'd never been born. Everything was a struggle in those days so having that moment of reading to my baby the things I loved about her, helped switch my perspective into, *This is hard. Really hard. But I'm determined to make sure we not only survive but eventually thrive. * And it started with affirmations.

Now here we are.

I'm 39.

My incredible daughters are 8.5 and almost 7 years old.

We've been through 5 moves so far in their short lives, with one more coming up soon, hopefully the last until they are on their own. The first move was actually out of state from North Carolina to Wisconsin. (That is approximately 18 hours, 1,100 miles, 6 states and a whole time zone away)

They were almost 3 and 1 year old.

We were adjusting to the bitter cold of the Midwest from the, need to change your clothes 3 times a day,  humidity that is North Carolina (at least where we lived) to falling in love with our new home state, potty training, learning to walk and talk (for Tiny Hippie), both kids experiencing 4k, which is something I never got to experience, and being able to thrive in small town Midwest schools with only one classroom per grade (total of about 70 students in the whole school). They've made lifelong friends they've known since they were 4 years old and are thriving.

But they've also been through struggles such as us being so far from anyone we knew and loved. Their dad having to be gone a lot for work. A severely depressed (on the verge of suicidal) stay at home mom who was struggling with her own identity, alcohol use, her weight and her crumbling marriage.

They walked through the hardest time of their young lives, which was their parents getting a divorce (more on all that at a later date. Don't worry, I'll be spilling all the tea over time.) splitting time between homes, having their dad take on the primary care giver role and again a mom, who was struggling with not only her own mental health, divorce, new job, being on her own for the first time, finances, a job that didn't pay enough and the real kicker that led me down the darkest path of my life, the most toxic relationship I've ever been in.

I am out now.

They are out of that now.

We are safe.

We are happy.

We are healthy.

We are thriving.

I am sober.

I am at a weight I feel the most comfortable in.

I have a job I love most days because I'm in control of it.

I have a beautiful home; we are renting that is filled with all the tchotchkes and love you could ever imagine.

I have the most incredible partner who is perfect for me in every way and someone who actively works hard, on the daily for our family, our marriage and our future.

I am starting on, what I believe is my true purpose and passion in life, which is writing.

I am actively working towards making this my career to support my family while also ensuring I am leaving this world a better place than it is now and if I can make just one person, one woman, one mothers life better in any way possible, my life goal will be complete.

I am thriving in my life now because of my children but also because I poured into them from a very young age, which has led to them pouring into me in a way I never knew I needed and is pushing me to chase my dreams.

So, to put a pretty bow on the end of my first ever blog post, I'll end it with my intentions for this space.

1. I intend for this blog, this space, my writing to uplift, inspire, motivate and affirm other women, especially mothers, into fulfilling all of their dreams, goals, and passions.

2. I intend for my writing to reach an audience of women who may be in a similar situation I was in just 2 years ago. Lost. Lonely. Confused. Hurting and questioning every decision in my life.

3. I intend to show them and even help them find a path that will leave them feeling nothing but joy, gratitude, value and fulfillment in whatever form that may be for them. If that means, leaving an unhappy, unhealthy marriage or taking time to pursue their passion projects, their dreams or even just simply surviving the current season, they are in, only to see the light at the end of the tunnel to keep pushing forward for not only themselves but their children.

I hope my post has resonated in a way that you feel seen, validated, heard, understood and excited for the future.

If you were left feeling inspired in anyway, I want to personally say thank you for reading and I hope you continue to enjoy my content. Also, never be afraid to reach out to me personally on my social media for any advice, affirmation or encouragement. My mind, heart, ears and inbox are always open to you.

If you feel you are needing immediate help with your own thoughts, or physical safety please reach out to a hotline via call, text or chat using 988.

Help is available 24/7 with languages English and Spanish available.

Remember to take care of you, fill your own cup so you can fill everyone else’s, especially your children’s. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

You are loved and valuable.

- The Messy Hippie.